Rob Writes & Bikes

So as many of you know from my complaining or faux enthusiasm/optimism my younger sister Mary and I have decided to try the Whole 30 this month.

If you’re not into white person fad diets, then here is a basic definition of what the Whole 30 entails; basically a paleo diet which is just meat and fruit and veggies. The whole 30 is a 30 day challenge where you only eat the foods listed above, and only drink water, black coffee and tea. No added sugars and nothing processed.

Here is how it’s going so far

Day 1: So the night before this started Mary and I decided to go to the bar because yeah this thing is so much fun that you can’t even have alcohol. So even though promptly at midnight my friend bought me a seltzer and lime to replace my rum and diet it did not save me from a terrible hangover on day 1. So hungover and a terrible time to not be able to have pop or like a cheeseburger. Mary and I spent most of the day laying on the couches like a bunch of sad kittens and I made a turkey chili (sans beans so just like soup or something) where she and I both made a “what did we get ourselves into?” face.

See above for a live action shot of Mary and I on the first day.

 

Day 2: Not much different from the first day. Mostly I learned that an orange is now considered a dessert.  Did a very sad work out that didn’t go great.

 

Day 3: First day of work. Was very anxious it would be difficult but honestly it was a nice distraction. Finally felt the “hangover” part was over. I learned I might already be sick of eggs at this stage.

 

Day 4: Second day of work. Felt kind of ill in the beginning of the day. My blood sugar was amazing the whole day. One of the nurses ordered a bread bowl from Panera and she didn’t finish it. It took all of my dignity to not reach in the trash and just rub it agaisnt my face. Also I learned coffee seems to affect me more because it’s the only caffeine I’m getting and there is no carbs to help dilute it.

 

Day 5: The Superbowl.Oh my goodness. This was the worst day at this point. Went to my brothers and his wife made the best looking food. I was so sad just eating oranges and bananas I packed myself. They did make a wonderful smoked chicken but all I wanted was their cheese dip. Also exhaustion set in hard this day. Couldn’t stay up much past Lady Gaga’s killer performance.

 

Day 6: I was at work and everything was fine except despite plenty of sleep just the heaviest exhaustion I ever felt. So so so so tired and the Diet Coke craving was so real.

 

Day 7: Still a little sleepy but had a great workout when I finally went to the gym. I had suffered from some gym aversion in the beginning in fear of what would happen to my blood sugars and wanting to give my body some time to adjust and you know laziness.

This is how I work out btw.

 

Here are just some other fun feelings…

 

I miss Diet Coke. Oh holy Lord do I miss Diet Coke. Everything about this would be great if I could have Diet Coke.

 

 

Feeling very crabby and short with everyone.This is literally what I say during report at work when they say something I don’t want to hear.

 

Television is so much more boring without food.

 

There is a lot of haters out there. As soon as you tell people what you’re doing they kind of just want to tear it down. Every one seems like they want you to fail. I agree maybe this isn’t sustainable or maybe it is a fad and could be the biggest waste of my time. However it’s still fun to challenge myself and who knows? This could be the best thing to happen me and change things for the better.

 

Tope 3 random cravings of the week.

1. French Toast (never cared about it before but now it’s my obsession)
2. Popcorn (it’s the best snack)
3. Gin

 

 

Obviously there are many great Christmas tv episodes but these are my picks for episodes.

 

5. Sabrina The Teenage Witch: Christmas Amnesia

Plot: Well Sabrina is having at attitude about spending time with her aunts for Christmas which upon rewatching I’m really noticing her sour attitude is a reoccurring problem. She goes to an Other Realm party with a bunch of other haters and she accidentally erases Christmas in a hissy fit. She spends the rest of the episode trying to remind everyone around her what Christmas is, but it doesn’t work. She eventually spends some quality time with her aunts and once she genuinely is having a good time Christmas reappears.

What makes it good: It’s early classic Sabrina and they actually have quite a bit of Christmas episodes.It’s weirdly kind of funny and it is sentimental with how she actually feels real remorse for getting rid of Christmas.

Where to watch: Hulu

 

4. Family Guy: The Road To The North Pole

Plot: Stewie feels screwed over by Santa Claus and decides to journey to the North Pole to assassinate him. They end up realizing he is overworked and take over for the night. It’s a classic Brian and Stewie adventure episode.

What makes it good: Actually not that much, I feel like I stand alone in liking this episode. However it’s really funny and although a little dark I still appreciate it.

Where to watch: Netflix

 

3. The Office: Christmas Party 

Plot: It’s the Dunder Mifflin annual Christmas party. Jim buys an adorable secret santa present for Pam before they are together. Michael has a large Christmas bonus that he uses to get everyone wasted after ruining white elephant.

What makes it good: The Office has so many great Christmas episodes but Jim and Pam’s adorable will they won’t they preciousness puts this over the top. The teapot and the homemade oven mitt are also gems of this episode.

Where to watch: Netflix

 

2. The Simpsons: Miracle Of Evergreen Terrance

Plot: After a successful scheme to wake up early up to open his presents before the family Bart accidentally sets the tree and presents on fire. Bart hides the evidence and tells his family he saw a burglar steal Christmas. The town chips in to help with their loss but Bart’s guilt about his lie continues to amplify. Bart confesses to his family and then the town learns the truth too and the Simpsons become outcasts . Eventually the town evens the score and the family makes up.

What makes it good: Any episode where we see the softer side of Bart is always touching. His guilty confession to his family is very sincere. The moment at the end where the family realizes having each other is all they need for Christmas is classic 90’s cheesiness. Also it’s our introduction to the orphans Patches and Poor Violet  the latter whom is where I got my cat’s name.

Where to watch: DVD or illegal download (officially robwritesandbikes.com does not condone the downloading of illegal material).

 

1.Community: Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas

Plot: Abed has a nervous breakdown where his sees the whole world in stop motion (not claymation) and the group begins to worry. They set him up in therapy with Duncan (John Oliver) and it takes them all on an adventure in his mind’s  personal winter wonderland. Each member gets their loyalty tested Willy Wonka style. Eventually we learn Abed’s mother issues are the cause of his Christmas breakdown. The group all steps in to support him and bring him back to reality.

What makes it great: The animation is great. The singing is real precious and the emotion and gravity behind Abed’s breakdown is very well presented. Abed’s ejection song to Britta about not supporting his fantasy is heartbreaking. The group coming together to sing and watch Rudolph with Abed is going to cause me to well up every time.

Where to watch: Hulu

So for anyone who knows me knows that I’m a huge Gilmore Girls fan (fun fact: named my childhood dog Rory). I had been looking forward to the revival since it was announced and carefully following all the details that were released. Now I’m ready to review and express my opinions. I mostly just want to touch on the hot button topics/topics I care about.

 

Major spoilers ahead!

 

 

Rory’s baby voice is gone (and other concerns)

Not that had I had such great attachment to her annoying baby voice and I get that she is 32 now but it was like having a whole new character. Alexis looked beautiful and everything but her acting felt a little stiff to me and I didn’t feel like her chemistry with Lorelai was as strong. I know I’ve never been as much of a Rory fan but I’m still choosing to blame her for the mismatched energy.

 

 

The Gay Agenda

So as a young gay man I can say that I often felt this show did not appeal to its gay fan base and even at times it felt a little homophobic. I’m sure Amy Sherman-Palladino felt the heat from that (and you know it’s 2016 be cool) because they were laying it on thick with the gay stuff in the revival. We got to meet Donald (real talk that might not even be his name) who is just a local neutered gay in Stars Hollow now. Michel is married to a man and considering adopting a baby. They even mention having a Gay Pride Parade and try to out Taylor Doose. I personally thought it was time even if it felt a little pandering.

 

 

Paris Geller is a Kween

God bless Paris Geller. The first few episodes felt a little somber but enter Paris our comedic hero. I didn’t care too much about her job as a fertility specialist but all was forgiven due to her awesome power suits. She is still a boss, funny and intense and still a loyal friend to Rory despite her self-centered indifference towards her. She is the true dark horse of the whole series.

 

 

Stars Hollow Musical

My feelings were pretty mixed about this one. It’s weirdly super adorable and funny but it also lasts too long. It also never really leads to anything or has much of a point but overall I do appreciate the silliness of Stars Hollow.

 

 

Bonus: Who aged the best and the worst

Best:  Christopher Hayden, Lorelai Gilmore, Michel

Christopher is really winning look wise versus Luke. That’s all he will win but he’s got that at least. Lauren Graham looks a little wiser but her goddamn hair game is still so strong so she’s doing great. Yanic (Michel) looks almost better than before.

Worst: Zach, Miss Patty, Francie

Zach my bro you look approximately 100. I guess half-asian twins have aged you. Miss Patty’s arms are so thin and scary now. Francie looks washed out af.

 

 

Emily Gilmore is great and heartbreaking

Emily’s storyline was probably my favorite. The fact Edward Herman is actually dead only adds weight to every scene. Even vanilla acting Rory Gilmore looks genuinely sad. Watching Emily transition to a widow is very hard to watch, especially the scenes where she can’t get out of bed. Her relationship with Lorelai is harder this time around because it truly just feels like Lorelai’s fault with her inability to honor her father’s memory. Also her friendship with Berta could’ve been more drawn out and I didn’t love that it was Gypsy for the record. I think we could’ve had a real Sandra Bullock moment in Crash. Obviously her meltdown in the D.A.R. meeting was Kween status.

 

Rory is an international nasty girl

I really did not sense I would have such beef with her but girlfriend is a transatlantic ho. She never seems to really have a job but finds a way to hop on an international flight every season and then hops on a dude. I’m not trying to slut shame her but having an international fuck buddy (who by the way is engaged, you are getting judged for that) is worthy of the title International Nasty Girl. Also let’s not forget the wookie.

 

 

Some issues felt repetitive

I speak mostly about Lorelai and Luke’s story. The whole not being married, they push each other way aspect was kind of the whole conflict of season 6. Also Emily and departed Richard wanting Luke to expand his business was also a part of season 6 issues. Emily calling out Lorelai being selfish in only doing what she wants was also kind of an old issue but I will say it felt fresher this time around. In the perfect world I would’ve liked to see Luke and Lorelai married and maybe even raising a child. I felt a better conflict with them would’ve been co-parenting issues or being bored in the relationship.

 

 

The Wild journey

I actually really liked the Wild thing. I did notice Lorelai reading the book but I felt the build up to her wanting to do it could’ve been better. It’s very out of the blue for that character to be like “I’m hiking the PCT” and if she had mentioned it earlier it might not have felt so out of left field. However I loved seeing her with the ladies and the book vs. movie people.

 

 

Oh April…

Probably the most reviled character in the series and even though she is only briefly in the revival. Zero attempts were mad to make her more likeable. She is still borderline autistic and has no charm or quirks. I felt like it’s been 9 years let the kid have a moment but I guess she will forever be remembered as pointless.

 

 

The boyfriend factor

The hype these men get is unreal. I feel like people care more about them then seeing what Rory was doing. I felt the closure scene with Dean was simple and satisfying he didn’t need much more. Jess looks great (they all did age well) and I liked him supporting Rory and Luke and I did want him to interact with Lorelai more but that’s okay. So much Logan though, I felt we saw a lot of him already in the show and he was kind of played out but he was around in the revival. I know some people like him but I kind of think he is a silver tongue douche. I’m glad she doesn’t really end up with any of them.

 

 

The Wedding

I loved the lights and I wasn’t a big fan of the weird Moulin Rogue montage. Only because it’s so different from the norm.I also  really wanted to see the town wedding the next day and see the town there and it bothered me that there was no Emily. I wanted to see Lorelai in her dress with her hair all done up.

 

 

The final four words

Still processing! I’m not even kidding. It’s not what I expected at all. I feel like some people acted like it was no surprise but don’t talk to those people because they are liars.

“Mom?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m pregnant.”

Still feels like there was no build up to this at all. I get the idea of continuing the cycle of the show and that Logan will be the new Christopher if he is the father (#internationalnastygirl) and god willing Jess would become the new Luke. I just felt like for Rory’s character motherhood was not the direction she was going but rather something career oriented. It just doesn’t feel as right for her and I don’t hate it or anything but I would’ve hated it if the original series ended this way. The idea of her being lost and then finding the book to write feels like its enough of a solution for her but then her being lost and becoming a mother herself just feels like a cop-out if I’m being honest.

 

 

Bonus: Top 5 cry moments (whatever, I have a heart and feelings)

1.When Lorelai and Sookie see each other. Honestly this one mostly goes to Lorelai because her missing Sookie and the inn not being the same and Michel leaving is pretty rough. When she sees her and things are coming together it’s just very sweet. I think the scene could be a little more emotional if Sookie had laid it on a little more thick but I still loved it.

2.  When Emily can’t get out of bed.Rory calling Emily at noon and she is confused and still sleeping and the portrayal of depression from such a strong character is bringing me to tears.

3. When Violet (Sutton Foster) sings the song to Lorelai. The song itself is very beautiful and it’s such a vulnerable moment for Lorelai.

4. The sound bytes in the beginning were so lovely. Listening to clips of the past brought me goosebumps.

5. Obviously when Lorelai gets to the top of the hill/mountain and calls Emily with her story about Richard. She had been holding on to it and couldn’t say the words but she was ready and I was so happy when she got to the top the first person she called was Emily.

 

 

 

I need to preface that these are not ranked because I could never try to be that honest with myself but here are the movies I watch around this time of year.

 

1. Halloweentown (1 and 2 only) (1998, 2001) 

Sorry to anyone who loves Halloweentown High or that weird off brand Halloweentown 4 but it’s the classics or nothing.Marnie is not overly charming but the family dynamics (Debbie Reynolds) are sweet. There is something about the fantasy of discovering you and your family are special that never stops be appealing, plus who doesn’t love a story that takes place in one night?

 

2. It (1990) 

Truly horrific and super long ass movie (I think it was a miniseries when it was on television). Based on Stephen King’s novel and if you watch it too young it will ruin your adolescence. Also based on this clown craze going on in America and an It remake in the works now is the season to watch this horror masterpiece. Just try to remind yourself it’s Tim Curry who is the clown. If you try to humanize him it can help you get back to sleep at night.

 

3. Beetlejuice (1988) 

So many wonderful things. Michael Keaton just never disappoints and his role as Beetlejuice is no exception. A young cynical Winona that inspired a new generation of goth kids. Back when Alec Baldwin was thin and Geena Davis was relevent. Plus Harry Belafonte’s Day O scene is so iconic.

 

4. The Scream Franchise (minus 4) (1996) 

Wes Craven is genius! The man knew how to do horror. I know many people dismiss this as a slasher movie but it’s so much more than that, he has created a universe where the audience actually cares about these characters. He lets you get invested and then it’s that much more gut-wrenching when they are brutally murdered. Sidney Prescott is a pretty compelling final girl especially by the third installment.

Just watch out for Scream 4, even though it was filmed in Michigan it was still complete garbage minus some good cameos.

 

5. Twitches (2005) 

Whatever. Judge if you want. Yes it’s the Mowry sisters but it’s cute and the mythology is simple but still the themes of friendship, sisterhood, and good vs evil are not going to lose their edge (or lack thereof)  anytime soon. You can feel free to skip its sequel though.

 

6. Nightmare on Elm Street (The Original) (1984) 

We Craven again! One of his earlier works. Everyone knows Freddy Krueger but how many people have actually watched the 1984 classic? I feel not as much. Nancy Thompson is one the trail blazing final girls and her unconventional beauty combined with her no nonsense attitude allows the audience to be captivated by her struggle. Also Freddy is kind of a creep with some good one-liners.

 

7. The Book Of Life (2014) 

This movie in my opinion did not get the acclaim it deserved. More of a Dia de los Muertos than Halloween but it’s still relevent and it is the way our Latino neighbors do the holiday. This movie about love and friendship and the celebration of life and death is win. It’s visually stunning and the music is phenomenal. Channing Tatum as Joaquin brings some much appreciated comic relief and it’s truly original.

 

8. Jennifer’s Body (2009) 

Another underrated film in the opinion of this reporter. This one was done by Diablo Cody who brought us Juno and the dialogue is just as good in this film. It was marketed like a horror film when it’s really more of a dark comedy I think that was the biggest mistake. Jennifer (Megan Fox) becomes a demon who feeds on the local boys while her best friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried) tries to figure out what happened. Megan Fox is actually really funny and Adam Brody as the villain with his sexy guyliner will give you some serious feels.

 

9. The Witches Of Eastwick (1987) 

An older tale from the John Updike novel about three women who accidentally summon the “perfect man” with unexplainable powers. You have Cher, Michelle Pfeiffer, and Susan Sarandon with Jack Nicholson. I feel like the plot doesn’t even matter. However it’s less scary and more thrilling as these women figure out their own witchcraft and lives. Also the New England coast scenes are very beautiful in this movie.

 

10. Frankenweenie (2012) 

Uhhh this movie is actually kind of a bummer. All filmed in black and white with our young protagonist Victor just trying to make movies and love his dog Sparky until Sparky’s untimely death (don’t act shocked, the movie is literally called “Frankenweenie”). This kid is so dedicated to his pet he turns to mad science to bring him back and well you know what happens to Frankenstein. This is classic Tim Burton with honestly kind of an indy feel. I loved it and you will too (mostly if you are a dog owner).

 

11. The Craft (1996) 

I don’t know what you were doing for all of the 90’s but you might have missed out if you didn’t see this. A new girl blows into town and befriends what is basically a coven making their circle complete. They together practice magic and for sure get drunk with power and like change their hair and stuff. Fairuza Balk as Nancy is a stellar performance as well as the cinematography for the whole movie. The movie  is definitetly a thriller that will get you jumping.

Also Skeet Ulrich and Neve Campbell star in this film together right before they do the Scream movies.

 

12. Double Double Toil and Trouble (1993) 

Wayyyy better than twitches. Old school MK&A know how to do Halloween. This is one their movies where them being twins isn’t just a cute gimmick so they can have matching boyfriends in Paris/London/Rome but rather about what it means to be a twin. Cloris Leachman (who apparently has been in her 80s since the 90’s) plays their diabolic witch of a great-aunt who is trying to destroy her “good twin” while the girls try to save her. There is a little person and an older black guy that will ignite a small fire with the lack of political correctness just to warn you.

 

13. New Nightmare (1994) 

So ahead of its time this film. Heather Langenkamp who played Nancy in the original film plays herself as the actress 10 years after the original film. This time “Heather” is being stalked by Freddy and learning he isn’t just in her films. The whole thing was so creative and beautifully played I would’ve loved to have seen Wes Craven repeat this concept with Scream 4. It’s meta before meta was a thing and also Freddy is still a hardcore perv.

 

14. Coraline (2009) 

Be careful what you wish for. Based on the children’s novel by Neil Gaiman and Laika Studio’s first feature film it does not disappoint. Coraline is the story of a neglected only child who finds a parallel world where everything is more enjoyable and weirdly everyone has buttons for eyes. She begins to explore this new world and starts to wonder what’s being offered to her and what the cost will be. The movie is visually very stunning and we can all look past Dakota Fanning who plays Coraline attempt to do a Michigan accent.

 

15. Practical Magic (1998)

Now this is a weird Halloween/Rom-com mix but still good nonetheless. Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman play sisters (which is super not believable) who are witches and their family is cursed and tragedy strikes anytime a woman in their family loves a man. You can see the Rom-Com BS, right? The movie setting in New England is nice and the relationship between the sisters is charming and even the guy for Sandra Bullock isn’t the worst.

 

16. Cabin In The Woods (2012)

I love Joss Whedon and he is my role model. This was a dark comedy movie he wrote that basically tears at the fabric of the entire horror genre.The movie takes five college aged kids and puts them in a cabin for the weekend and you know how that horror movie plays out. Or do  you? Let Joss show you what’s up.  It’s scary enough to be a Halloween movie but also funny enough to help you get through the gore.

 

17. Corpse Bride (2005) 

A classic Tim Burton film about unrequited love set in Victorian Europe. The movie is kind of slow and sweet compared to his other films but there is murder and skeletons so it’s dope for Halloween .

 

18. Carrie (1976) 

Stephen King strikes again! This original movie has terrified me since my youth and I was way too young when I first saw it (my parents might not have paid enough attention to what I was watching). A young girl with dormant telekinetic powers goes pretty much apeshit when mean/attractive popular kids set her up to think she is the Prom Queen only to drop pigs blood on her during her crowning. She basically destroys everyone with her unleashed powers. It’s basically the first story of a school shooting and a bullied kid. Her home life with her evangelical and maybe schizophrenic mother are very hard to watch but Sissy Spacek’s grave face of horror is forever engrained in my mind.

 

Just to mix it up! Some other good Halloween things to watch.

 

Pretty Little Liars: Halloween Episodes

Pretty Little Liars does a lot of things wrong but Halloween isn’t one of them. Usually airing between their seasons A and B it’s usually a juicy episode. The First Secret gets a particularly nice shout out from me. The whole thing is set in a flashback on Halloween which is great for a mystery show. Offered Seasons 2,3, and 4.

 

Community: Halloween Episodes

Obviously I will taken any opportunity to talk about Community. However Community deserves recognition for its Halloween episodes. My favorite will always be the zombie apocalypse episode in season 2. Offered seasons 2-4

 

Sabrina The Teenage Witch: Halloween Episodes

Remember the iconic river of candy corn episode or even season three’s creepy “Molly Dolly” episode for Halloween? If not it’s time to hop on Hulu and watch her Halloween episodes. Offered Seasons 1-6

 

The Simpsons: Treehouse of Horrors

We all know The Simpsons no matter how irrelevant they become hold the gold medal on Halloween specials. Offered all seasons (except the first)!

 

Buffy The Vampire Slayer: Halloween Episodes

Buffy is built for Halloween and they have several good Halloween episodes. However season 2’s episode “Halloween” is perhaps the best of the bunch. All the kids get turned into what they dress up as and as Buffy becomes a Victorian lady. This allows us to see Willow step into the hero role for a change. Offered seasons 2,4,and 6.

 

And Obviously….

 

19. Hocus Pocus (1993) 

You don’t love America if you don’t watch Hocus Pocus every Halloween. It’s as simple as that. You see that’s SJP/Carrie Bradshaw dancing up there, right?  If you haven’t watched, quit whatever you’re doing and go watch before you continue reading this blog or any printed word for that matter.

 

20. The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) 

Probably my number one for the season. It’s great because you can watch it for Christmas or Halloween. The music is probably one of my favorite parts and yes the whole movie has some weird emo connotation now but I’m not going to give it up because it got trendy. Still a fantastic film about two holidays and what it means to find yourself. That gif alone still has me smiling!

 

So these are my favorite things to watch around Halloween. I know there are several more films as well television specials but these are my choices. I hope you enjoyed!

If you were not aware I am a big fan of Halloween and usually of costume and theme parties all together. With Halloween coming up so soon I figured I would do a best/worst salute for all of my readers. Do enjoy!

 

 

10. The Mime: Year 2009 (age 20)

1,000 barfs to this costume idea. I have no idea what I was thinking. Honestly 2009 was a big year for me to wear horizontal stripes so maybe it was just inspiration. It was creepy and that white make up got on everything (sorry to everyone who lived in that apartment because I ruined all of those shot glasses). The only plus side is my eyes sure did pop with all that white make up. Side note: for some reason in my head all mimes are French so I remember an ill fated accent appearing all evening. The heaviest of sighs.

 

9. Mario: Year 2008 (age 19)

This one is getting called out due to true laziness. I have no mustache, my hat is not correct and my friend Julian/Luigi is not doing any favors either by wearing zero hat and no mustache either. The only props I will give us is that we have ‘the one of us is short and round and the other is tall and thin’ aspect of Mario and Luigi going on. To give us some credit in the year 2008 I went out twice for Halloween with two different costumes so this was the weaker of the two nights.

 

8. Where’s Waldo: Year 2010 (age 21)

This one is also getting called out for being kind of basic. I’m wearing jeans and tennis shoes and all I bought was the shirt/hat/glasses in a kit. Apparently I still cared about horizontal stripes in 2010 as well. It wasn’t even like I was a big fan of Waldo growing up but it was nice to wear a costume that was comfortable. This was also a year I went out for two nights of Halloween this being the weaker costume (man I used to do it up right, 2 nights? I’m like already planning my first nap of the day and it’s 9:17 AM as I write this).

That’s my friend Victoria behind me, she recently turned 21 in this picture if that does any explaining.

 

7. Spiderman: Year 2007 (age 18)

This one isn’t terrible or anything and it was the height of the Tobey Maguire movies. The costume actually was made out of pretty good material and lasted a few years (I say this like I was Spiderman and my crime fighting costume held up well, but I did keep it my closet so somebody would see and wonder “is Rob Spiderman?”). The only real issue is that I couldn’t wear the mask with it because it got in the way of my drinking and there is something about a nylon mask on Halloween that can come off as a little rapey.

 

6. Tony The Tiger: Year 2015 (age 26)

Nothing was terribly wrong with Tony. My friend Liz did a great job on making those stripes for me (do I have thing for stripes? I’m having a real glass shattering moment as I’m putting this together). I think I was just annoyed that many people thought I was Tigger. Also my friend Alexis in the middle did actually go as Tigger so it added confusion.

That’s my friend Victoria on the left again from the Where’s Waldo pic.  We are more poised at age 26.

 

5. Ipod: Year 2010 (age 21)

I don’t know how I got talked into this one. My old roommate Jess (on the right) was so into this idea and I felt I couldn’t turn down her enthusiam (thanks for nothing pinterest). I have to give Jess credit though, she did a good job making these and I do love the shade of blue I am wearing. However I had to cut myself free at the end of the night, the tape kept pulling at hairs everywhere and peeing was as easy as it looked.

Note: this was the companion costume to Where’s Waldo in 2010.

 

4. The Hamburgler: Year 2008 (age 19)

Okay this actually the raddest idea I had. Not that hard to pull off either. I bought a jailer costume (more horizontal stripes because they are my passion I just need to accept), wore a red polo underneath, had a red tie, bought the bandit mask and hat. It just felt so genius at the time and I have no regrets. The only crime (besides stealing hamburgers) was my friend Rachel Goldlust (yeah, calling you out girly) was wearing the same costume! It was funny but hurt my ego for originality.  Fun fact is that Rachel is the girl standing next to me when I’m wearing my Spiderman costume as shown in number 7 above. That is also my friend Julian who was my Luigi that same year. He’s like a nerd or something, whatever.

 

Top 3!

3. Ash Ketchum: Year 2011 (age 22)

Ash wins some mad points because this was before Pokemon Go, and it was fun as hell. I had the idea early on and my friends jumped on board too which made him better. I also loved wearing a slimming black t-shirt but was so depressed I couldn’t find/make his smock thing (this was before I knew my friend Liz who makes all of my costumes now). I did make the Pokeballs though, note the ones I made for my hip too.

Look at these guys! They went all out! I was so proud of them. My friend Nick/Brock on the far right of the left picture killed it with that vest. You would think it would be hard to find that vest but took us like 1-2 attemps. I still have and wear that green puffy mess. I also appreciate my sister Sam going as Squirtle (on the right) and letting me get drunk and pretend to capture her all night because I pointed out to my friend Alexis (who went as Pikachu) that he doesn’t go in his Pokeball.

 

2. Cesear Flickerman: Year 2014 (age 25)

Well this was just a gem of a costume. Obviously I love The Hunger Games and instead of emmulating one of the heroes I choose the announcer. It was just another brilliant idea by yours truly. My friend Liz helped create the wig and believe it or not the suit is actually an old Austin Powers outfit my sister Sam/Judge Judy wore the year before. I got to hold a microphone (made of a ladel and aluminium foil) and quote all night. Side note: Mrs. Pac-Man was the Pikachu from above.

 

Before I unvel number 1 here are some non-Halloween costumes for your enjoyment.

 

Millhouse Van Houten: 90’s themed birthday party (age 23)

This is my 23rd birthday and we did a 90’s theme. Of course I picked one of the most unsexy constumes for this event. That’s my friend Julian again from the 2008 Luigi and Hamburgler year for reference.

 

Frog Mario: Mario Themed Party (age 26)

I didn’t really learn how to be a better Mario 7 years later than my first attempt. I did have a mustache this time! It just kept falling off. Mostly the frog hat was cool and I still have it and my friend Liz (on the right) threw a killer Mario Party.

 

Glittery Hot Messes: Girl Talk Concert (age 21)

My friend Jess (the ipod) and friend Victoria had all decided to go to a Girl Talk concert in Detroit and decided it would be fun to glam up for it. Please note this was also the height of Ke$ha’s fame (#freeKe$ha by the way). Vicotria would want me to remind you all that she had recently turned 21 in this photo.

 

A Diabetic Test Strip: Corey Bergers Themed Birthday (age 23)

We threw Corey a surprise party and the theme was him. Many people just wore glasses but I knew Corey growing up and his family’s involvment in JDRF (Juvinille Diabetes Research Foundation) so I wore a shirt with expired test strips on it with fake blood to show diabetic support.

 

A Zorro Person?: Halloween of 1998 (age 9)

A friend posted this on Facebook a while back so I’m not totally sure of the year or what I was supposed to be. I’m the blondie in the middle. Looks warm for October.

 

 

And for the number 1….

 
1.US Highway 131: Year 2012 (Age 23)

Gahhhhh I still love it! For all of you locals reading this. I know you are nodding your head along in approval. I had recently graduated from WMU and I spent my whole last year communting from Grand Rapids to Kalamazoo. I was so sick of the friggen’ highway. This was my ode to that place. My friend Liz (pictured on the right) made 90% of this costume and it was our first real bonding expereince. We made the exits out of felt and even put them in correct order, made the Grand Rapids and highway emblems by hand. I even had tiny cars made of paper attached to my shoes. I also had recently lost like 15-20lbs so I was feeling good in my form fitting long johns.

 

Editor’s note: There is no costume picture for the year 2013 (age 24) because I went to my friend Liz’s house and I went as the Cheshire Cat and it turned out so bad. I wore purple pants and a purple shirt and used pink duct tape to make his tabby stripes (BECAUSE OMG I’M OBSESSED WITH STRIPES) and I looked like a fat, sloppy,drunk, hot air balloon. I think I deleted all of the pictures from that night but everyone can know it would have ranked lower than the mime.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So if you have ever Facebook stalked my photos you have probably learned in recent years I have taken up riding my bike around various parts of America. I was not a very experinced rider before my trips so the culture of cyclists was pretty new to me. As an outsider I’ve made some observations about cyclists and here is what I’ve learned so far.

 

Cyclists have very good taste in music.

I don’t know what this is because everyone listens to music while they exercise but cyclists have the best taste of anyone I’ve met so far. Half of my playlists have come from a spin class.

 

They can be fat. 

Unlike other cardio sports, you meet a lot of really good cyclists who are decently old and pretty solid. I’ve been passed on the White Pine Trail by many grey haired roadrunners. Even I am a heavy set guy and after a cross country trip I was much faster but not much thinner.

 

You have to know a lot.

Omg. Bikes are complicated af. Remember being like 7? And they were just like two wheels of awesomeoness? Well that time is over. Bikes have a complicated anatomy and you have to know to change a flat, thread a cable, clip in, and poentially take it apart and put the whole thing back togeheter (real talk: I can only really do like 1-2 of those things).

 

Different cyclists have different strengths and preferences. 

There is no universal cyclist. I mean you know there probably is now that I’ve said there isn’t. However in my expienece there are some parts of cycling that some people enjoy more than others. Some cyclists want to ride in rural Utah and look at mountains and others love urban biking. Some want to sprint for 100 miles on a flat bike trail others want to climb up a mountain and enjoy their earned descent.

Or some want to drink Diet Coke and stop at every gas station for a treat and just keep riding between naps.

 

You have to learn the language.

Get ready for a constance vocab quiz. Aero, derailleur, cycling kit, levers, RPM, cleats, chamois butter, fork, etcetera etcetera etcetera.

 

These GD bike riders love their beer. 

I learned this one earlier when I used to work at a brewery. These punks can throw it down the friggen’ hatch. They ride their bikes all day and drink their IPAs all night and somehow get on their bikes the next day. I guess all that calorie burning and metabolism boosting must be the cure to no hangovers.

 

There is a heirachary (sadly). 

I’ve noticed this a lot in bike shops. Everyone has an opinion about everything when it comes to a bike. Are you a road bike person? Mountain bike? Do you cyclocross? No matter what your answer is, the reply could be anything from a half smile of approval or quiet sigh depending who asked. Everyone thinks their way is the right way to ride a bike or the kind of bike or the type of gear.

 

It’s not a cheap hobby.

I will start that I know someone out there is annoyed I wrote “hobby” instead of lifestyle but see the above observation to see what I think about that. Obvi bikes are expensive, but good helmets, gloves, jerseys, tires and computers can all set you back too. I guess we can all hope we save on gas riding around town and saving the earth. You’re welcome by the way.

 

There are “rules”. 

Some cyclists will tell you things like “a real cyclists owns a least 4-5 bikes” “they never wear gloves” “never let anyone else clean their bike” “only wear cycling sun glasses”

You  know what though? Just do you. Except maybe don’t wear a cycling cap when you’re not cycling.

 

Cycling breeds explorers.

I straight up cannot even pretend to keep up with some of my cyclist friends. During the course of my first trip they all wanted to see everything as up close and personal as they could and for me if it meant going more than .02 miles out of my way ya’ll can just buzz off. After the trip was over so many of my teammates went on to travel to different cities and national forests and I watched The Kardashians in a Days Inn hotel waiting to go home to keep watching on my own couch. I do find myself now actually wanting to visit new places and say things like “I’d love to ride my bike there”.

 

Biking is the best community. 

When I’m riding around and I see another rider they always give you an acklonweding head nod. If I’m stopped on the side of the road they always stop to see if I need anything. My old teammates graciously taught me everything I know about bikes, and have since grown into a network community. The League of Michigan Bicyclits is an amazing group as well as some local groups in Grand Rapids.

There are many female characters  I don’t believe get their adequate screen time or appreciation so here are some of my hand-picked favorites.

 

Also prepare for spoilers for some of these.

 

 

Mona Vanderwaal: Pretty Little Liars

 

Things that make her great: Mona has literally been around since the pilot, and a season regular since season 3. Not only that but she is the Original A and probably the best so far (sorry über A but I don’t have faith you will pull anything off) Mona is a wealth of info and skill that the liars never seem to tap and always seem wary despite the fact she at this point is as much as a victim of as any of them.  She pretty much always helps when they ask or are too big of wimps to do something themselves. Full on kween status.

Things that get her overlooked: I think honestly the writers have no idea what to do with her now that she isn’t all Hannibal Lector-y in Radley anymore. They don’t want add her to the group because they already have an HBIC with Alison DiLaurentis and there isn’t enough screen time to add her with all the bullshit Ezria scenes that eat up the time.

 

 Harmony Kendall: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel

 

Things that make her great: Harmony is pretty funny especially once she becomes a vampire. She also is an OG of the Buffyverse being the only character (besides Angel) to be in the unaired pilot of Buffy and the series finale of Angel. From being a mean girl at Sunnydale High to being an incompetent secretary at Angel Investigations she has delivered some of the best comic relief in the show’s history.

Things that get her overlooked: Harmony’s beginnings are pretty boring. At Sunnydale her character was pretty one note and sparsely used. She started to gain some fan favor in her later years on Buffy but she faded out of the show before she took off too big. On Angel the show’s last season was kind of a sinking ship so it was hard for viewers to notice her while the rest of the show is crashing.

 

Sheila Jackson: Shameless

 

Things that make her great: Joan Cusack mostly.She is just a gem in that role and really brings animation to Sheila. An agoraphobic housewife who enjoys some pretty kinky bedroom play is like a mad lib from the gods. She also demonstrates the struggles of having an extreme anxiety disorder with real grace.

Things that make her overlooked: That show has a lot of drama going on and Sheila isn’t usually in the center of it so she is easy to look by. Shelia is mostly a supporting character who gets intermittent screen time but I would love to see more of her.

 

Maeby Funke: Arrested Development

Things that make her great: Maeby is the neglected, snarky daughter we all can relate to. Maeby is smart and a go getter. She utilizes her parents absence to upstart a career in the film industry. She also might be a little self-serving but she adds that dry sarcasm that makes it worth it.

Things that get her overlooked: Mostly her parents (Lindsay and Tobias) are two of the funniest characters on the show and her weird incestual story line with Michael Cera is kind of a turn off.

 

Stacy Rowe: Daria

Things that make her great: Stacy is for sure the sweetest of Sandy’s clique. She is the insecure welcome matt of the group but she shines in rare moments when she stands up for herself. She seems to care the most about Quinn and has her own interests and genuinely whats to be a good person but is like many high schoolers; a little lost.

Things that get her overlooked: Her whole thing is being overlooked.

 

Jill Price-Gray: Weeds

Things that make her great: Jill is a controversial choice because she is kind of a bitch. Here is a true story, Nancy Botwin is the worst and needs someone to bring down a peg. Sure many people hate her and our hearts yearn for Celia but there is something so great about a sisterly distain.Also who doesn’t love a hyphen?

Things that get her overlooked: She’s not Celia Hodes.

 

Bonnie Swanson: Family Guy

Things that make her great: Bonnie’s dry and subtle distaste for her husband Joe are honestly some of the secret best jokes on the show.Also Jennifer Tilly’s voice is iconic.

Things that get her overlooked: Bonnie isn’t very funny the first several seasons.

 

Madeline&Louise: Gilmore Girls

Things them make them great: Honestly these girls, I tell ya. They are super realistic early 00’s girls compared to the hyper competitive classmates at Chilton. (I’m pretty sure Louise is wearing a puka shell necklace in the gif) These girls straight up care more about scoring some D versus getting into the Ivys AS THEY SHOULD. They are really loyal to Paris Geller for who knows what reason. She can’t add to their popularity yet they agree to her roller coaster of liking and hating Rory as Paris decrees.

Things that get them overlooked: Not enough screen time as they are basically lackeys and even though repetition is painful I still think it would’ve been wise to include them in the Yale lifestyle.

 

Joan Callamezzo: Parks and Rec

Things that make her great: Ummm..have you met Joan Callamezzo?. She runs this town. She literally steals every scene she is in. Her “gotcha” stickers, her confession that she stole her gym teacher’s husband, and her blatant narcissism make anyone of us want to be on Pawnee Today.

Things that get her overlooked: Idiots over look Joan.

 

Hazel Wassername: 30 Rock

Things that make her great: Hazel is the best combination of Jenna and Tracey. She shares Jenna delusion of fame but Tracey’s ridiculousness. Kristen Schaal (voice of Louise on Bob’s Burgers if you didn’t know) commits to this part beautifully and even nails their live episode.

Things that get her overlooked: Hazel is up against a steady stream of wonderful guest stars on 30 Rock.

 

Francine Smith: American Dad

Things that make her great: American Dad in general is a dark horse in my opinion but Francine is the secret weapon. Her squeaky voice, her very traditional housewife persona, but also her don’t-give-a-fuck-joie-de-vivre is amazing. (I hope everyone enjoyed my french)

Things that get her overlooked: That whole show is overlooked.

 

Vanessa Bayer: SNL

Things that make her great: I think Vanessa Bayer is a treasure. Bar Mitzvah Boy is one of my very favorite reoccurring characters. Her ability to shift from Hannah Montana, to a midwestern mom to Rachel Green to a russian model make her one of the most versatile cast members on the show.

Things that get her overlooked: Timing is the issue. Vanessa joined the show with Nasim Pedrad, and Abby Elliot (both who have since departed) while Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph was on the show so all of those girls had big shadows cast on them. Then Aidy Byrant, Kate McKinnon, and Cecily Strong joined the show after the Kristen/Maya era and those girls are all amazing but she wasn’t quite in their pledge class so I believe she just joined at an awkward time.

 

Jocelyn: Bob’s Burgers

Things that make her great: Jocelyn is voiced by the same actor as Linda Belcher (John Roberts) which is already win. She has some of the best one liners of the other school kids.

Things that get her overlooked: Jenny Slate as Tammy is kind of hard to share the stage with due to her dominating personality.