An Excerpt From My 2002 Journal (with footnotes from 2017)

So when I was reading Amy Schumer’s The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo this was a tool she would frequently use throughout her book and I thought it would be fun to try on my own. My parents are retired and working on purging their house so I’ve had to claim a lot of my childhood crap including my journals. Yes I was a young closeted gay boy who wrote in a journal because it was the early 00s and I had a lot of feels.

 

January 17th, 2002

Okay this the worst week. Omg first I have 2 projects due and one done and I’m starting one next week plus exams this week.[1] Plus exams this week during my math exam I got low and it sux. [2] It’s Lindsey’s birthday and I didn’t get her anything because she has been treating me like dirt lately. [3] I start gym and computer next week and the only good thing is no more Mr. Raymer and no more wood tech and asshole 8th graders. [4]

There is a new episode of Charmed and new Friends tonight.[5] They find of out the sex of Rachel’s baby is tonight and I hope it’s a girl. [6]

 

The Next Day….

It’s a girl on Friends [7] Right now I’ve decided to this summer I want a Homer Simpson attitude I want to be lazy but not dull and be exciting but also effortless. [8] I had my gym orientation and it doesn’t seem that bad but computer does suck and I don’t want to go[9]

-Rob Dine

[1] I mean it’s not exactly an episode of Degrassi level panic.

[2] I’m assuming I mean a low blood sugar and that is how I spelled “sucks” in the journal. #AOL

[3] Oh man now we are spilling the tea Also I still remember Lindsey’s Birthday is January 18th. Sorry girl no ill will in 2017.

[4] I remember having a lot of anxiety about gym, and with wood tech the semester before it wasn’t the easiest place to be closeted. I also remember I was in Mr. Raymor’s class when 9/11 happened.

[5] Must be Thursday

[6] I won’t spoil anything for people living under a rock.

[7] Spoiler alert

[8] Real talk: this is still my aspiration and I completely forgot its origin. Also even in 2002 the main thing I seem to care about is television.

[9] It turns out Mr. McNally was a huge prick but I wouldn’t be typing this blog if he hadn’t scared me into learning home row.

For you die-hard fans out there, here is a picture of me on NYE going into 2002 and where I made the resolution to start jounaling. I hope that blows your mind. Also don’t worry it’s just kids champagne and those are just terrible frosted tips.

2002 kid

Zoo-De-Mack Ride!

So this past weekend my sister Sam and I went up north to participate in the Zoo De Mack bike event. It was a first time for both of us and I figured I hadn’t posted in a while and this was the perfect opportunity.

For those of you who don’t know, Zoo De Mack is annual event (this being the 28th if I’m not mistaken). It involves biking from the Boyne Highlands Resort in Harbor Springs to Mackinaw City which is roughly 50 miles.

We arrived Friday night at the resort.

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The clouds make it seem creepy and ominous but it was cute. Check in was real cute and we got vitamin b 12 injections and beer so who could ask for more?

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Registering for the ride and waiting to get our B12 shots.

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This is us post shots.

Then after the shots there is gear store where they sell all this used gear for very cheap which was amazing. Then upstairs they have a party.

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Cyclists love to fricken drink. I always forget that until I see them.

 

Then Sam and I were thinking we were so financially responsible and decided to stay at family friend’s cottage in Indian River which is about 25 minutes away. obviously every time you go up north google maps will fail you and it results in Sam and I fighting in the car on a dark road where surely a serial killer is waiting for us. Eventually we run out of steam and end up at the cottage. We got all ready for the ride and Sam got sucked in to Percy Jackson and The Lightening Thief on TBS. We both debated skipping the entire weekend adventure and staying in the cottage that had hot water and premium cable.

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Picture of the view from the cottage.

 

The next morning we had a nutritious McDonald’s breakfast (one of the many fast food choices in Indian River) and made our way to the start. It was sunny but a crisp 45 degrees. The ride doesn’t have a formal start. You can begin anytime between 7:30-10:30 and we got there at about 8 so we could give ourselves enough time to finish.

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All geared up and ready to go! Not many people that early so parking and getting started was real easy. About 4,000 people sign up for this so the road is crowded but there was barely any cars and police help at the intersections. They had a lot of water and bathroom stations in the beginning.

Diverse group of cyclists for sure, a lot of senior couples, people stopping to have beers on the side of the road, saw a few people in flip-flops but I’m happy to say I barely saw anyone without a helmet.

 

The first treat of the ride were the trilliums! They are these white flowers that grow like lilacs (I’m getting whiter every sentence I write I’m aware) and I never knew my dream was to ride next to Lake Michigan surrounded by flowers but my dream is to ride my bike next to Lake Michigan surrounded by flowers.

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Here they are, and I all I saw was…

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and A little

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#whiteoleander

 

Lots of pretty views, a lot of vineyards.

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Can’t forget my first blood sugar break of the ride.

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Then up one of the biggest hills we could start to see the Lake!

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Once we got to the top Sam basically looked like this is in her head.

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She wasn’t far off either

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The next descent we found the lake!

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Now Sam got real Tyra on me about “finding the light” in this photo and I can’t help but notice there is still a giant shadow over my face.

 

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Just a random pic of the ride.

 

By mile 15 we needed to reboost.

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This cafe was cute but had the most haunted bathroom I’ve been in

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Just seems normal, right? Until you examine the wall.

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Tell me that’s not the lady from The Ring?

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Then we got to Cross Village at about mile 27 where they provided lunch for us at Legs Inn. Also right before this I called out a lot by strangers for peeing behind a tree which in all honesty I couldn’t believe more people weren’t doing.

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Lunch was just basic brown bag food but the views were amazing

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Just a lot of people having lunch beers honestly.

 

Post lunch it got very windy and it seemed like less riders.

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We finally made it to Wilderness State Park which is a place Sam and I grew up and still continue to visit to this day.

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Morale starting to get high again post headwinds since we knew this area and knew what it would look like to get into Mackinaw City.

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Last 10 miles! There was still winds and some more hills and then a lovely bike path and then we were getting into Mackinaw City and then…

 

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Done!!!! We did it!

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Then obviously we needed to drink but we didn’t stay too long because we had to catch our ferry to Mackinaw Island

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Sam wore her helmet the entire time on the boat.

 

Then we got to our hotel Island House

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Our room was sad like an apartment you would rent in LA while going on endless auditions.

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The view was good though.

 

Then after falling asleep for about 2 hours and complaining about not wanting to go out, we checked out the party on the island for a while but honestly had the most fun just strolling around.

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Got very rainy but got slices of pizza and watched some tv before falling asleep. Had strong ambitions the next day of getting things done but it was 41 degrees and raining hard. So we just decided to head home.

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The ferry was very busy and I just sat here and froze while Sam went to buy a sweatshirt for herself.

 

Then because we biked to Mackinaw City we had to take a shuttle back to our car. There was a girl legit crying in the parking lot because she was so cold and didn’t want to wait for another mode of transportation.

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Got in an uncomfortable van full of strangers.

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Sam’s immediate go to move.

Then it literally became spring again as we started driving down south. Michigan is like the North in Game of Thrones and in Grand Rapids we are like Winterfell but Northern Michigan might as well be The Wall.

 

We made it home and parted ways and I immediately fell into this position until I started writing this the next day.

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Overall I would say Zoo-De-Mack is totally worth it and I would do it again.

My Top Harry Potter Complaints

I know I know it’s blasphemy to speak ill of HP but true art is meant to be critiqued. Also if Harry Potter was perfect we wouldn’t have that glorious fan fiction that exists in the world and it wouldn’t leave us wanting so much more.

Here are the following things that have been irking me since the last book came out.

Aunt Petunia

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Aunt Petunia is a truly wasted character in my opinion. She’s too villanous in the beginning of the novel where she more than borders on child abuse. Her motivation for taking in Harry never seems very clear especially if she only plans to neglect him. The howler from Dumbledore still doesn’t really give us a clear background on her reasoning other than we establish those two characters have met.

Not to mention her relationship with Lily is convoluted. It’s true we get a glimpse into their childhood and surprise surprise the root issue between the two sisters is jealousy but it is clear they did once care for each other. Despite this fact Petunia never let’s go of her anger even after her sister’s murder, not just death her murder. I feel like for somebody you hate to get murdered one could say the score is settled and you could let go. Normally an actual human might be filled with regrets over not making up rather than still fueled by bitterness. I mean come on, Lily got what ever comeuppance Petunia thought she deserved.

Near the end we see Dudley Dursley start to come around and make peace with Harry but I feel less invested in him as a character. To me he only represents the culture of the Dursleys but not really a significant foil to Harry. There is a set up in the book where the last time Harry and Petunia see each other and they act the like they have something to say to each other but it’s left unspoken. In the movie version they do share a small exchange where she says something about Voldermort murdering her sister not just Harry’s mother but that doesn’t really satisfy me fully.

This woman had to change Harry’s diapers, probably had him play with Dudley as infants, take him to the doctor and it seems odd she wouldn’t see it as a chance to make up for a lost relationship with her departed sister. It would make sense if she would resent him choosing to embrace magic as that was an issue with her Lily but she remains uncomplicated and mean.

No Love in Hufflepufftown

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Can we all take a minute to talk about Hufflepuff? The Jan Brady of the houses. I feel like America embraces Hufflepuff in an ironic hipster kind of way. They also are kind of the every man’s house. I do think they have grown attraction because they are so neglected in the books. They truly lack significance in seven different books and even The Cursed Child. I mean this a quarter of the student body. Sure we have Cedric as our token Hufflepuff and he is chosen as trizwizard champion over his other 7th year Gryffindor comrades. I do feel like there isn’t a lot of emphasis of him being a Hufflepuff.

Oh yes and there is Tonks who is a Hufflepuff but literally almost no one knows that unless they are a super geek. Slytherin has some very heavy hitters in the book with Snape, Draco, Slughorn, and basically every Death Eater. Ravenclaw has Luna Lovegood and Cho Chang both playing pretty significant roles throughout the series.

The history of Hogwarts is rich with facts about the other houses. Obviously with Harry being a Gryffindor we are saturated with those facts such as learning about the sword of Gryffindor, Godric Gryffindor, Godric’s Hollow, and an entire setting in their common room all the time. Slytherin basically has an origin story all of the second novel with the heir of Slytherin and the Basilisk.  Ravenclaw holds out for a few books but by the end of the seventh book we get a whole thrilling tale about Rowena Ravenclaw and her daughter the Gray Lady. Harry even gets to spend some quality time in the Ravenclaw and Slytherin common rooms.

The most we get about Hufflepuff History is a story where Tom Riddle plumps up and murders a descendent of Helga Hufflepuff. Let’s also be real Hepzibah or whatever her name was did not exactly paint a great picture of Hufflepuff. We know the dorms are near the kitchen which is what every good home owner wants, their bedroom right off the kitchen area. That’s like a couple on House Hunters being able to buy a home without his and her sinks.  Their ghost the Fat Friar is a cartoon at best.  I’m just saying they deserved more than Hannah Abbott and that Ernie kid.

The Lack of Americans

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I mean I know how bratty, and entitled and well let’s just say it American this complaint sounds. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to whine. I mean I know so many of you are reading this and saying “Rob, what about Fantastic Beasts?” Well you know what? That’s barely canon in the opinion of this reporter. I mean so much of the Harry Potter fan base is from North America. We publish and sell so many copies, the movies are produced by Warner Bros which is an American studio. I’m not saying make Harry American but just like one minor character would be a nice bone to throw us. Like just make Professor Sprout from like Wisconsin or something.

Ron’s Arc

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This one might be the hardest for me. I love Ron Weasley. I feel like I need to express that here at the beginning. He is a good, relatable and flawed character whom I feel did not live up to his potential or at the very least lacked any pay off. Ron’s whole narrative has to do with being in the shadow, not having a place and overall feeling inferior. As you get to the last book it doesn’t really wrap up in his favor with him finding himself. He’s not exceptional at magic, or quidditch, or notably funny or smarter than anyone else in the novels.  He comes off as being in Harry’s shadow the whole time or his brothers’. I mean I’m one of those people who even though they don’t ship Harry and Hermione I do recognize their chemistry but have been better than Ron and Hermione’s. I felt like by the end of the book they tried to very lazily make us feel better about him. The horcrux making the Harry and Hermione apparition that he stabs, or with him coming up with the Basilisk fang.

I love Ron to reiterate again but I feel like he would’ve died earlier in the books and almost served as a martyr rather than carry on a sub par arc through out the story. Ron just needed one thing whether it was a more intense love storyline, or a skill or a development of a magical power (like Tonk’s metamorphosis), or even a truly heroic moment all to himself (Hermione had plenty). Sorry Ron.

No real LGBT storylines

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This might seem like an agenda but whatever. I know so many of you are like but what about Dumbledore? Well you know what? That is implied at best and you have to look pretty hard between the lines to know about Grindewald. Also if JK Rowling had never said it I feel we as society wouldn’t ever know.

Here is what I propose should have happened. I believe it would have been better if the revelation had been that Snape was in love with James Potter instead of Lily. It would make sense why he was so angry because he was repressed, also why he had such fury against James because of unrequited love and misplaced feelings. Also his severe dislike of Harry might be easier to swallow because Harry would constantly remind Snape of James’s love for a woman. On a side note it’s not even worth complaining about but I always hated how Snape was such a dick to Harry and then was like “I love your mother” and sure he did some low-key things along the way for Harry but overall was rude af and I don’t feel like that is paying tribute to Lily.

Also I think you could’ve had Seamus and Dean fall in love because otherwise what is the point of them?

Slytherin is bad news bears

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The Hogwarts houses can feel a little too black and white at times. I feel like it’s like Gryffindor is full of saviors (but let’s be real it’s the place that housed Lavender Brown so it’s not that impressive) and Slytherin is just the Legion of Doom. We get a lot more of the inside track of Gryffindor so I think we know it can be flawed (see Percy Weasley). However Slytherin is just code for evil? I feel like that’s not fair to that house and also if that was true why not make more an effort stop the future Death Eaters from basically forming in detention?

The world just needed 1-2 normal Slytherin witches and wizards for redemption. Just like 2 people who were like “Oh yeah I was in Slytherin and now I work for Magical Law Enforcement and enjoy collecting magical art and not trying to commit genocide in a weird Hitler esq fashion”. They attempt to give us Slughorn but come on, he is pompous and self-serving the only thing about him is that he likes Harry and is pretty harmless.

I’m just saying a place that is school of villains could have benefited from being a little more in the grey space. I’m also not counting The Cursed Child as canon in this reference.

Ginny Weasley

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Is she that great or is she just a myth? She is character who I feel like is forced upon us. I feel like in one of the books we just establish that she is hot, funny, smart and independent. When we really didn’t get that from her in the first couple of books. There is a lot of description about her greatness but not a lot of scenes or evidence to back it up. Her love story with Harry feels very forced and once again I feel like it’s referenced that it’s so impactful without really having them be together very much, more just thinking about each other a lot. At best they like the idea of each other. Also is it me or do Lily and Ginny feel eerily similar? Dudebro has got some bad mommy issues.

Also I don’t think anyone of us wants to talk about the movie version of Ginny.

Aberforth Dumbledore

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He is barely mentioned in the book. I mean I have reread these books plenty of times but I can’t even tell you which book has one featuring sentence about him. His presence and reluctant help in the 7th book also feels highly convenient. He just happens to live in Hogsmead and has his own access to the castle? I don’t know about that, but I do like that we have a credible Anti-Dumbledore person. The 7th book is all about casting some light on Albus and I feel like Aberforth at least has a reason to dislike him and he does add some truth and insight only a sibling can do. Also though I feel like no one wants to talk about how it’s possible this man might have fucked a goat?

Draco and Hermione

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SAY WHAT YOU WILL IT COULD’VE BEEN GREAT. Honestly Draco is such a wasted character, he is literally a little piss ant bully turned almost murderer turned reluctant death eater. I feel like that could’ve been so much more compelling if there was some expansion on his struggle. I feel like I don’t often give the movies more credit than the books but in the 6th movie (easily my least favorite) we do get to see some non verbal scenes with him where you can sense more of his resistance. He’s such a dick for so long and you wanted him to come around and help in the battle but he doesn’t really ever apologize or help out more just doesn’t make an effort to stop them. Narcissa Malfoy is more helpful in the battle of Hogwarts than Draco if we are being real.

Enter my Hermione ship. I just think it could’ve broken down some barriers. You could start subtlety making them like each other or talking maybe via tutoring or something (I mean we’ve all seen One Tree Hill, right? #nathanandhaley) because here is the other part of this: They are teenagers who are hormonal and they spend way too much time researching versus trying to get some. Maybe it’s a british thing. However it could’ve added a little teen element. Taught Draco to overcome his prejudices and maybe teach Hermione to get off her high horse a little. I still love Hermione, I hated typing that but I needed to hone in my point. Also its way more conflict and intrigue. I mean if Emma Watson can love a Beast, she can suck face with some blonde fool. It also could’ve created some resolution with Harry and Draco which never really seems to come to pass. We only get a curt nod in a train station. (Once again excluding The Cursed Child).

Epilogue

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Um cheesey as hell. I don’t like it. I just feel like a peak into the future wasn’t a bad idea but it got so fairy tale/after school special. I just feel like keeping it a little vague or having some interpretation would’ve been better than tying it up with a bow. The movie just layers on the velveeta. All three of our stars have established careers, children and playful marriages. It’s sweet but I feel like it doesn’t follow the tone of the rest of the books. I just don’t like it.

Not accepting me

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I mean I literally was 11 when those books came to the US and I feel like my entire 5th grade class learned about real disappointment when no owls came to save us from doing our lame ass ecosystem projects.

The Whole 30 Challenge Week 4: The Wrap Up

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Every thing is weird. Man oh man.

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For there were no more worlds to conquer.

 

Well, I would say I’ve learned a lot about the Whole 30 and here are my keys to success.

 

Rob’s Keys To Success

 

Have a partner.

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I mean Mary and I transitioned from sad hung over kittens, to cooking partners, to competitors to sharing war stories in the matter of a month. The accountability factor is nice too because it makes harder to quit. It’s just important to have someone to vent to, someone who saves leftovers for you, and someone who also will understand your texts about which cereal you miss the most.

 

Don’t start day 1 hung over.

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When you think about giving up drinking for a month, you think you need to have a Mardi Gras  experience but believe you me it’s a trap. The worst thing is ever to be hung over during day 1 and not be able to have pop or a cheeseburger. Spend the last day before the whole 30 hung over eating garbage before you start.

 

Be adventurous with your meals.

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Boredom was a real thing for me. You can only make so many different kind of eggs.Mary was much better in this category than me, but there are so many recipes out there for Whole 30 and one should take advantage.

 

Do your research.

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The Whole 30 is a commitment and before you do it you should know what you are getting into, there are plenty of books and I hate to say it a plethora of rules.

 

Don’t just jump in.

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Take your time. Figure out when the whole 30 is going to work for you. I specifically chose February because it didn’t have any high drinking events in this month so be conscious about the time. You don’t want to set your self up to fail.

 

Accountability plays a role.

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It often felt like a risky move sharing all of this with you all but it in the end I think it was the right thing to do. There is something about the people in your world watching  you that makes you feel like you don’t want to fail because it’s so public. I knew I couldn’t get away sneaking treats at work because people knew what I was doing, and same with my friends and that really kept me in check. Real talk this was a hard month because for some reason every patient at the hospital decided to just have a heart of gold and make all these cookies for the staff. It.was.killer.

 

 

The future of Whole 30 and me.

In the end of all this I would go as far as to say that I was a fan. It wasn’t easy but I think the benefits were worth it. I don’t think the Whole 30 in itself isn’t manageable long-term which is why it’s only designed to be for 30 days. I think you have to make it work for yourself. I feel like I will maintain an 80/20 ratio of this diet. I plan to just have a pre chosen meal once a week that’s off the diet. I am not a super heavy drinker so I will probably allow myself the amount of alcohol I had previously. And yes I will drink Diet Coke on the weekends, the world can make its piece with that truth.

 

And to my loyal readers…

 

I just want to say that I’ve been so grateful for the support over this past month. Everyone has been keeping up, telling me encouraging things and I feel like I really had a invested community behind me. I know it’s silly because at the end of the day, it’s just a diet but it’s nice to know people care. To everyone who is wanting to give it a try, please reach out to me. I’m by no means an expert but I will definitely split an avocado with you and listen to your woes (but know it will get better too).

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For bonus: My top 5 cooldown songs.

  1. Fresh Feeling-Eels
  2. Runaway-Grace Mitchell
  3. Doin’ it Right-Daft Punk
  4. One Day They’ll Know-Pretty Lights
  5. Seaside-The Kooks

 

 

The Whole 30 Challenge Week 3: The Brainwash

So here we are in week 3 kids. Who would’ve thought? I do have to say everyone’s support has been really appreciated. I called this segment “The Brainwash” because I think it’s what’s happened to me. I feel like I’m at the phase now where I kind of like the Whole 30. I’m starting to see and feel the benefits and I’m not audibly sighing when people ask me how it’s going.

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#melissanddanhartwig

Here is what I’ve learned this week…

 

I’ve been getting in shape a lot faster than it’s happened in the past.

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Normally I’ll just start working out in random waves but don’t always diet at the same time and this time I’m doing them in tandem and my workouts have gotten much stronger much quicker than normal. I’m doing my same routine but I would say its progress has been faster than in the past.

 

Is drinking pop the new smoking?

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“It causes cancer” “it messes with your weight” “it has all these unnatural substances in it” “might as well be ingesting rat poison”

All things that were once said about smoking but now I feel are being said about pop (or soda for my non-Michigan friends). If you are a heavy pop drinker now you keep it on the DL or you are openly judged. Unless you meet another peer who shares your love and you can talk about the sweet carbonation you aren’t safe. I tell people how I still miss Diet Coke and people seem disappointed the cult’s beliefs haven’t converted me that far yet.

I will add my PSA of please don’t smoke. After working on a stroke unit for a year I want to say if you can decrease your risk of a stroke you can decrease your risk of a punk like me wiping your ass.

 

This diet is kind of making me a basic bitch. 

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I went on a walk last week and went to Martha’s Vineyard and I hadn’t been there in a minute but I did say the following two phrases. “Oooohh is that grapefruit LaCroix?” and “Omg they have unsalted almonds here??” And before you think there is hope for me you should know I said the letters OMG in that sentence and not the actual words.

 

My new coffee addiction has got feeling like Nancy Botwin

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Adding to my basicness for sure. I drink a lot of iced coffees now because it’s the only caffeine I can have besides tea. I  feel like I walk around with my straw in mouth and quick wit just like Nancy except her idea of danger is The Cartel and mine is daydreaming about hacking into my mom’s Hulu account and upgrading this family to no commercials.

 

Not to sound paranoid but I am finding a hint of surprise in some voices when I tell people I haven’t quit.

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Obviously I don’t mean to discredit people who have been very supportive. I mean I’m sure it’s just low self-esteem or something but yes I’ve heard some infliction of surprise. To all the haters out there, Mary and I have made it to day 23.

 

People have a lot of questions

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It’s actually very nice and I like that people are curious. I think a couple of people are considering doing this for themselves so I invite questions for sure.

 

Some bonus items..

 

My top 5 running songs (currently)

  1. Let ’em Say by Luzzo
  2. Me, Myself & I by G-Eazy
  3. Could Have Been Me by The Struts
  4. Confident by Demi Lovato (what? I’m a well to do gay man I’m going to listen to Demi)
  5. Online Songs by Blink 182

 

My top weight loss inspirations

  1. Fight Club. The intensity of Tyler Durden will always inspire me to live my life in ALL CAPS.
  2. Chris Pratt. I mean there is a scene in early Parks and Rec where you see  a tape of Andy auditioning for Survivor and he is shirtless and chubby and now cut to Guardians of the Galaxy. I know we all now but still.
  3. My wardrobe. I have a large amount of clothes that I can wear again if I just lose a small amount of weight and I’m too cheap to just buy new clothes.
  4. Wanting to keep my legs. Working with a lot of amputees in the hospital and many of them are diabetics and I feel like when I mention I’m diabetic to them they give me a this-could-be-you look.
  5. The fact I graduated high school 10 years ago. I doubt I would go to my reunion but it can make you feel reflective on such an anniversary.

 

The Whole 30 Challenge Week 2: The Boredom

So as many of you know I’ve been dong the whole 30 challenge. We are now at the halfway point. Who thought we would make it here? Not me every day but we are here nonetheless. The first part of my journey was all about cravings, and being depressed. Now a lot of that awfulness has passed but I’m also pretty bored of variation of eggs and baked chicken.

Here is what I have learned this week.

I will not ever suffer from scurvy because I eat like a 4 lb bag of oranges in 2 days.

The Simpsons food episode 10 upset season 16

 

Mary (my young sister) is a better chef than me. I spent my whole life thinking she was the ultimate sous chef but it turns out she knows how much cayenne pepper to put on things and remembers to turn off the oven.

Image result for amy schumer sauced

 

I feel like I’m colder a lot more of the time now. That might be just winter but these are my observations.

Saturday Night Live snl cold kate mckinnon freezing

 

Fun Bonus Segment!

Gym Bummers!

As the whole 30 keeps on moving, so does the gym time. I’m by no means new to the gym but I feel like as I’m journaling this whole thing I’m making more notes on my surroundings and here are the people who are the most annoying at the gym.

  1. Senior Citizen jibber jabber. I know I know it’s insensitive and it’s not that I don’t want elderly people at the gym. However sometimes they will stand in high-profile places like where you need to swipe your card  or in front of the place where you fill your water bottle and they are just talking to one of their peers about something you will never be able to decipher because you zoned out immediately.

funny movies kids bored twins

 

2. Locker room lingerers are a thing. There are some people who just love being naked and will use all of their powers to delay getting dressed. They will pace around and ask a loose acquaintance how their kid is doing in school, make small talk with the staff stocking towels all to just remain nude. Like just get dressed you know? Also they never seem to want to move their bag off the bench for you in fear if they touch the bag their clothes will jump on them without asking.

Image result for date night put on a shirt

 

3. Kids! I apologize to a lot of you because I know many of you are parents that will read this blog (bless you for that by the way) and just remember it’s not your kids personally that are making me crazy. It’s not even kids in general but some people feel the need to let their children run on the track without them  and in the wrong direction. Also some dads feel the need to bring their young kids in the locker room and I just don’t want to strip in front of your child when at the YMCA you literally have your own family locker room. Just do us all a favor and go one more door down.

mrs krabappel

 

4. Protein dudes. We all know them, and they are the worst. Making their weird potions and constantly telling you but not telling you directly about how much they’re taking, their lifting schedule, and how they barely even do cardio now.

bane

 

5. People who take the treadmill right next to you when there are plenty open. It’s almost as bad as taking the urinal right next to me when you got other options.

Patrick Stewart hello bathroom son blunt talk

 

Even more bonus. Now that I’m not drinking Diet Coke I’m trying all of the Lacroix flavors I can and here are my top 3 and bottom 3 choices.

Bottom 3

  1. Coconut:I don’t feel like I want to taste sun tan lotion that has been carbonated.
  2. Lime: It’s a seltzer water with lime and no gin. No sale.
  3. Orange: Just such a bummer because it’s not Sunkist but also just way too mild.

Top 3

  1. Strawberry Pineapple: you gotta schlep to Target but it’s worth it
  2. Passionfruit: Thank you Anna-Marie Jenks for that introduction
  3. Grapefruit: a bronze medal at best

Top 3 things I miss right now

  1. Club sandwiches
  2. Quesadillas
  3. Harmony’s Grapefruit Moon (that could be inspired by the Lacroix)

Special shout out to my MFB folks. Everyone checks in a lot and wants to know how it is and asks questions which I think is cool. I appreciate the support and accountability especially when a nurse who shall remain nameless tried to bust me for putting cream in my coffee but it was just coconut milk.

The Whole 30 Challenge Week 1 : The Sadness

So as many of you know from my complaining or faux enthusiasm/optimism my younger sister Mary and I have decided to try the Whole 30 this month.

If you’re not into white person fad diets, then here is a basic definition of what the Whole 30 entails; basically a paleo diet which is just meat and fruit and veggies. The whole 30 is a 30 day challenge where you only eat the foods listed above, and only drink water, black coffee and tea. No added sugars and nothing processed.

Here is how it’s going so far

Day 1: So the night before this started Mary and I decided to go to the bar because yeah this thing is so much fun that you can’t even have alcohol. So even though promptly at midnight my friend bought me a seltzer and lime to replace my rum and diet it did not save me from a terrible hangover on day 1. So hungover and a terrible time to not be able to have pop or like a cheeseburger. Mary and I spent most of the day laying on the couches like a bunch of sad kittens and I made a turkey chili (sans beans so just like soup or something) where she and I both made a “what did we get ourselves into?” face.

cat disney sad kitten fish

See above for a live action shot of Mary and I on the first day.

 

Day 2: Not much different from the first day. Mostly I learned that an orange is now considered a dessert.  Did a very sad work out that didn’t go great.

lazy

 

Day 3: First day of work. Was very anxious it would be difficult but honestly it was a nice distraction. Finally felt the “hangover” part was over. I learned I might already be sick of eggs at this stage.

ham dr seuss green eggs and ham

 

Day 4: Second day of work. Felt kind of ill in the beginning of the day. My blood sugar was amazing the whole day. One of the nurses ordered a bread bowl from Panera and she didn’t finish it. It took all of my dignity to not reach in the trash and just rub it agaisnt my face. Also I learned coffee seems to affect me more because it’s the only caffeine I’m getting and there is no carbs to help dilute it.

happy coffee

 

Day 5: The Superbowl.Oh my goodness. This was the worst day at this point. Went to my brothers and his wife made the best looking food. I was so sad just eating oranges and bananas I packed myself. They did make a wonderful smoked chicken but all I wanted was their cheese dip. Also exhaustion set in hard this day. Couldn’t stay up much past Lady Gaga’s killer performance.

Back To 1974 nfl lady gaga jump drawing

 

Day 6: I was at work and everything was fine except despite plenty of sleep just the heaviest exhaustion I ever felt. So so so so tired and the Diet Coke craving was so real.

movie tired morning sleepy lazy

 

Day 7: Still a little sleepy but had a great workout when I finally went to the gym. I had suffered from some gym aversion in the beginning in fear of what would happen to my blood sugars and wanting to give my body some time to adjust and you know laziness.

glee blaine anderson hips

This is how I work out btw.

 

Here are just some other fun feelings…

 

I miss Diet Coke. Oh holy Lord do I miss Diet Coke. Everything about this would be great if I could have Diet Coke.

Image result for longing gif

 

 

Feeling very crabby and short with everyone.This is literally what I say during report at work when they say something I don’t want to hear.

Image result for I will be back to physically fight you

 

Television is so much more boring without food.

BBC comedy bbc three bbc3 crisis

 

There is a lot of haters out there. As soon as you tell people what you’re doing they kind of just want to tear it down. Every one seems like they want you to fail. I agree maybe this isn’t sustainable or maybe it is a fad and could be the biggest waste of my time. However it’s still fun to challenge myself and who knows? This could be the best thing to happen me and change things for the better.

tv cartoon memes cartoons media

 

Tope 3 random cravings of the week.

  1. French Toast (never cared about it before but now it’s my obsession)
  2. Popcorn (it’s the best snack)
  3. Gin