25 Fictional Women Who Would Raise Hell in The Handmaid’s Tale

I have recently caught up on Hulu’s The Handmaid’s Tale and all I think when I watch is three things:

  1. This is the hardest show to watch on television but it’s so good.
  2. I don’t remember the book being so cringing. (Yeah, this is my horrible hipster way of saying “Yeah, I read the book before it was a show.”)
  3. What if a Vampire Slayer had to be a Handmaid? This show would be so different and I’m ready to see quite a few people (mostly Serena Joy) get their asses kicked.


This got me thinking about what other characters would get the upper hand in show where the protagonists always seem to be struggling to keep their head above water.

Offred/June is quickly rising to the ranks of  television’s beloved female Kweens but this group of women below would reek havoc for Gilead.



1. Buffy Summers


Well obviously our beloved slayer is up for the job. Buffy not only has the strength and speed to escape, she has the quick wit to have a Joss Whedon-esque one-liner to the Commander as she pummels him to the floor.


2. Spencer Hastings


Our favorite PLL Dollhouse alum. Spencer is our gal to dig up some good dirt on the Waterfords and blackmail them effectively in order to escape. Also can’t you just see Ali playing Serena Joy in this version?


3. Jessica Jones

Jessica Jones

Sure Jessica is super strong and can fly so escape is no issue but you also know she is P.I. and a cranky one to boot. She has been a survivor of rape and also has been controlled by an oppressive man. Spoiler alert: she broke that guy’s neck so I don’t see the Commander or Serena Joy lasting long with her in the house.


4. Katniss Everdeen


She has already lead a rebellion against a corrupt governing system. Can she do it without a bow and arrow?


5. Pam Swynford de Beaufort

Pam true blood 2

Pam has just the appropriate amount of darkness to be a threat to Gilead. She is smart, charming, and very sadistic. Once she has the upper hand (and just be patient she will get it), the driest, filthiest insult will be delivered followed by mass carnage.


6. Kimmy Schmidt

kimmy break us

Kimmy lived in a underground bunker for 15 years. Sorry Offred ya damn rookie by comparison.


7. Cookie Lyon


Just look at those nails. She is prepared to tear your ass up. I can imagine nothing better than her tearing down Aunt Lydia when she tries to tell her to put her head down and be modest.


8. Bree Van De Kamp


I honestly think she would just go native in the beginning and appreciate the religion and manners but like all Desperate Housewives she would hit a breaking point. Plus we all know how her love of guns.


9. Piper Halliwell


I mean all of the Halliwell sisters (with the exception of Phoebe) could probably escape with little effort but Piper has the most fire power and the biggest temper so it’s great for cinematic effect.


10. Veronica Mars

veronica mars

A more sober version of Jessica Jones but Veronica is even sneakier if possible. Veronica may not have super powers but she does know how to play the game.


11. Olivia Pope

olivia pope

I don’t even watch Scandal and I know she is amazing.


12. Paris Geller


I mean…come on.. good luck Gilead. I don’t think even they could break Paris Geller plus she wouldn’t have hesitated to join her pal Rory/Offglen in Mayday.


13. Galina “Red” Reznikov


She’s not really of fertile age so she would probably be a Martha not a Handmaid but she’s a master manipulator and I don’t think she would hesitate to poison Serena Joy.


14. Luna Lovegood


I know what you are all thinking, what about Hermione? Yes she is obvious choice but I think Luna could stomach being a captive for a longer period of time and I don’t think Hermione could cope with not being allowed to read.


15. Regina Mills

Regina Mills

Regina is super powered, slightly unstable and loves her son very much. I think the outfits alone would drive over the edge and burn the place to the ground because this Evil Queen isn’t playing.


16. Black Widow

Black widow

Obligatory choice. She obviously would kick ass but I don’t think I would watch her show. Sorry Natasha.


17. Morticia Addams


I just feel like everyone in Gilead would be so disappointed that she wouldn’t mind having a finger cut off or her tongue removed.


18. Fred Burkle


Fred is a brilliant physicist and taco enthusiast. She also was a human slave in a demon dimension for 5 years so I think she can hold her own.


19. Lady Olenna

Lady Olenna

“Tell Cersi. I want her to know it was me.” That right there is proof enough she can hang.


20. Delores Abernathy


Delores is a dark horse. You never see her coming and next thing you know she has massacred a town.


21. Olivia Benson

oliva benson

Yeah, she is pretty much the opposite of “mansplaining”


22. Fiona Goode

fiona goode

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. She’s evil sure, but at least she has cute clothes and is nice to the mentally disabled.


23. Nancy Thompson

nancy thompson

Girlfriend is a survivor. She makes booby traps, she doesn’t sleep, she also doesn’t need a hall pass anywhere she is going.


24. Storm/Ororo Monroe

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Not a woman who needs to say much to get her point across. Storm is generally pretty serene but if provoked (which would take about .3 seconds in Handmaid’s Tale) she would tsunami their asses into place.


25. Joyce Byers

Joyce Byers

We all know what happens when Will is in trouble.





My Top 10 Childhood Video Games


So probably not my most exciting blog I’ve ever written but I know someone out there will care what I was doing during the 90’s and early 00s.


Without further ado here is my list.


10. Ecco The Dolphin: The Tides of Time (Sega)

Now this game is number 10 because I had the convoluted relationship with this game. First of all you will notice the theme song is bone chilling and you spend most of the time trying not to run out of air and being attacked by sea creatures. The first game is basically just an origin tale for Sharknado. For some reason the Dines only owned the sequel. You spend much of the game deciphering what the other dolphins are trying to tell you because they only speak in sinister riddles. I still don’t have any idea about the time travel or even what was the objective or conflict.


9. Banjo-Tooie (N64)

The N64 sequel to Banjo Kazooie. One again I don’t know why I only ever played just this game and not the original. It’s mostly just about a bear with a bird in his back pack. You walk around and collect gold jigsaw pieces for some reason and shoot eggs out of your butt. This game was just basically the B version of Mario 64 so you could brag to your friends about beating this game and they would have no idea what your referencing.


8. Pocahontas (Sega)

Truthfully this game should probably be higher on the list than I’m acting but I have to play it cool. This games takes appx 1 hour to complete. You just walk around saving animals and gain skills accordingly (deers teach you how to run, otters how to swim) and then weirdly when you save the bears they teach you how to scare thin people. I’m not even joking about that, it’s directly told to you and I still can’t figure out how mad or bored I am with that skill.


7.Mario Party 2 (N64)

Once again I’m noticing a real pattern that I’m skipping a lot of original games and going straight for the sequel. Don’t call it a comeback I guess. This game is actually amazing but I’m pretty sure I’ve created some life long scars with my sisters over the bonus star round. Sorry bitches but I’ll be always be the mini game king.


6. Super Mario World (SNES)

I spent most of the early 90s watching my cousin Aaron rule at this game. I feel that could be the basis for any inferiority complex I felt as a child. I am very good with a cape though. Still can’t get past the vanilla dome part any more because my current SNES doesn’t save progress.


5. X-men Legends (Playstation 2)

This game had some of the shittiest graphics for its time but I still loved it. It was a collaboration game where I learned I might be kind of bossy. Or at least I wouldn’t have to be if everyone would just listen me and never fight bad guys on the bridge because you will fall off and ruin it for the team.


4. Kingdom Hearts (Playstation 2)

Kingdom Hearts is truly a gem. The narrative is more complex and beautiful then just a walk through the Disney worlds it’s perceived to be. It has some beautiful scores and the arc is actually pretty compelling. It’s a creative take on Disney with plenty of sequels if you get hooked.


Now for some honorable mentions…


Diddy Kong Racing (N64)

I don’t know why weren’t just a Mario Kart family but still a pretty good game


Tiny Toons Adventures (Sega)

Never got to beat it because my mom stepped on it. Still a sensitive issue for me.


Simpsons Road Rage (Playstation 2)

You will lose your temper just as a forewarning.


Now for the top 3…



3. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (N64)

I mean it’s an obvious choice. If you’re 12 in the early 00s it’s just what you do. You start in this wonderous world and get sucked into the story and then you get to the Water Temple and then you know that you’ll never make this game the number one on your list.


2. Sonic The Hedgehog 2 (Sega)

I mean once again it’s sequel because I just can’t say no a comeback. This game dominated my childhood. However its a tough subject because I spent much of the time playing with my sister Sam with her secretly playing one player and convincing me I was playing as Tails even though he just moved independently. Still too soon.


1.Final Fantasy X (Playstation 2)

I mean I was and still am obsessed with this game. I have the music on a lot of my playlists. The story line is beautiful and engaging. The game play isn’t too hard and the graphics were ahead of its time. I played the original and the HD remaster and cried at the end when I was 15 and again now at age 28.





My Top Harry Potter Complaints

I know I know it’s blasphemy to speak ill of HP but true art is meant to be critiqued. Also if Harry Potter was perfect we wouldn’t have that glorious fan fiction that exists in the world and it wouldn’t leave us wanting so much more.

Here are the following things that have been irking me since the last book came out.

Aunt Petunia

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Aunt Petunia is a truly wasted character in my opinion. She’s too villanous in the beginning of the novel where she more than borders on child abuse. Her motivation for taking in Harry never seems very clear especially if she only plans to neglect him. The howler from Dumbledore still doesn’t really give us a clear background on her reasoning other than we establish those two characters have met.

Not to mention her relationship with Lily is convoluted. It’s true we get a glimpse into their childhood and surprise surprise the root issue between the two sisters is jealousy but it is clear they did once care for each other. Despite this fact Petunia never let’s go of her anger even after her sister’s murder, not just death her murder. I feel like for somebody you hate to get murdered one could say the score is settled and you could let go. Normally an actual human might be filled with regrets over not making up rather than still fueled by bitterness. I mean come on, Lily got what ever comeuppance Petunia thought she deserved.

Near the end we see Dudley Dursley start to come around and make peace with Harry but I feel less invested in him as a character. To me he only represents the culture of the Dursleys but not really a significant foil to Harry. There is a set up in the book where the last time Harry and Petunia see each other and they act the like they have something to say to each other but it’s left unspoken. In the movie version they do share a small exchange where she says something about Voldermort murdering her sister not just Harry’s mother but that doesn’t really satisfy me fully.

This woman had to change Harry’s diapers, probably had him play with Dudley as infants, take him to the doctor and it seems odd she wouldn’t see it as a chance to make up for a lost relationship with her departed sister. It would make sense if she would resent him choosing to embrace magic as that was an issue with her Lily but she remains uncomplicated and mean.

No Love in Hufflepufftown

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Can we all take a minute to talk about Hufflepuff? The Jan Brady of the houses. I feel like America embraces Hufflepuff in an ironic hipster kind of way. They also are kind of the every man’s house. I do think they have grown attraction because they are so neglected in the books. They truly lack significance in seven different books and even The Cursed Child. I mean this a quarter of the student body. Sure we have Cedric as our token Hufflepuff and he is chosen as trizwizard champion over his other 7th year Gryffindor comrades. I do feel like there isn’t a lot of emphasis of him being a Hufflepuff.

Oh yes and there is Tonks who is a Hufflepuff but literally almost no one knows that unless they are a super geek. Slytherin has some very heavy hitters in the book with Snape, Draco, Slughorn, and basically every Death Eater. Ravenclaw has Luna Lovegood and Cho Chang both playing pretty significant roles throughout the series.

The history of Hogwarts is rich with facts about the other houses. Obviously with Harry being a Gryffindor we are saturated with those facts such as learning about the sword of Gryffindor, Godric Gryffindor, Godric’s Hollow, and an entire setting in their common room all the time. Slytherin basically has an origin story all of the second novel with the heir of Slytherin and the Basilisk.  Ravenclaw holds out for a few books but by the end of the seventh book we get a whole thrilling tale about Rowena Ravenclaw and her daughter the Gray Lady. Harry even gets to spend some quality time in the Ravenclaw and Slytherin common rooms.

The most we get about Hufflepuff History is a story where Tom Riddle plumps up and murders a descendent of Helga Hufflepuff. Let’s also be real Hepzibah or whatever her name was did not exactly paint a great picture of Hufflepuff. We know the dorms are near the kitchen which is what every good home owner wants, their bedroom right off the kitchen area. That’s like a couple on House Hunters being able to buy a home without his and her sinks.  Their ghost the Fat Friar is a cartoon at best.  I’m just saying they deserved more than Hannah Abbott and that Ernie kid.

The Lack of Americans

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I mean I know how bratty, and entitled and well let’s just say it American this complaint sounds. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to whine. I mean I know so many of you are reading this and saying “Rob, what about Fantastic Beasts?” Well you know what? That’s barely canon in the opinion of this reporter. I mean so much of the Harry Potter fan base is from North America. We publish and sell so many copies, the movies are produced by Warner Bros which is an American studio. I’m not saying make Harry American but just like one minor character would be a nice bone to throw us. Like just make Professor Sprout from like Wisconsin or something.

Ron’s Arc

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This one might be the hardest for me. I love Ron Weasley. I feel like I need to express that here at the beginning. He is a good, relatable and flawed character whom I feel did not live up to his potential or at the very least lacked any pay off. Ron’s whole narrative has to do with being in the shadow, not having a place and overall feeling inferior. As you get to the last book it doesn’t really wrap up in his favor with him finding himself. He’s not exceptional at magic, or quidditch, or notably funny or smarter than anyone else in the novels.  He comes off as being in Harry’s shadow the whole time or his brothers’. I mean I’m one of those people who even though they don’t ship Harry and Hermione I do recognize their chemistry but have been better than Ron and Hermione’s. I felt like by the end of the book they tried to very lazily make us feel better about him. The horcrux making the Harry and Hermione apparition that he stabs, or with him coming up with the Basilisk fang.

I love Ron to reiterate again but I feel like he would’ve died earlier in the books and almost served as a martyr rather than carry on a sub par arc through out the story. Ron just needed one thing whether it was a more intense love storyline, or a skill or a development of a magical power (like Tonk’s metamorphosis), or even a truly heroic moment all to himself (Hermione had plenty). Sorry Ron.

No real LGBT storylines

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This might seem like an agenda but whatever. I know so many of you are like but what about Dumbledore? Well you know what? That is implied at best and you have to look pretty hard between the lines to know about Grindewald. Also if JK Rowling had never said it I feel we as society wouldn’t ever know.

Here is what I propose should have happened. I believe it would have been better if the revelation had been that Snape was in love with James Potter instead of Lily. It would make sense why he was so angry because he was repressed, also why he had such fury against James because of unrequited love and misplaced feelings. Also his severe dislike of Harry might be easier to swallow because Harry would constantly remind Snape of James’s love for a woman. On a side note it’s not even worth complaining about but I always hated how Snape was such a dick to Harry and then was like “I love your mother” and sure he did some low-key things along the way for Harry but overall was rude af and I don’t feel like that is paying tribute to Lily.

Also I think you could’ve had Seamus and Dean fall in love because otherwise what is the point of them?

Slytherin is bad news bears

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The Hogwarts houses can feel a little too black and white at times. I feel like it’s like Gryffindor is full of saviors (but let’s be real it’s the place that housed Lavender Brown so it’s not that impressive) and Slytherin is just the Legion of Doom. We get a lot more of the inside track of Gryffindor so I think we know it can be flawed (see Percy Weasley). However Slytherin is just code for evil? I feel like that’s not fair to that house and also if that was true why not make more an effort stop the future Death Eaters from basically forming in detention?

The world just needed 1-2 normal Slytherin witches and wizards for redemption. Just like 2 people who were like “Oh yeah I was in Slytherin and now I work for Magical Law Enforcement and enjoy collecting magical art and not trying to commit genocide in a weird Hitler esq fashion”. They attempt to give us Slughorn but come on, he is pompous and self-serving the only thing about him is that he likes Harry and is pretty harmless.

I’m just saying a place that is school of villains could have benefited from being a little more in the grey space. I’m also not counting The Cursed Child as canon in this reference.

Ginny Weasley

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Is she that great or is she just a myth? She is character who I feel like is forced upon us. I feel like in one of the books we just establish that she is hot, funny, smart and independent. When we really didn’t get that from her in the first couple of books. There is a lot of description about her greatness but not a lot of scenes or evidence to back it up. Her love story with Harry feels very forced and once again I feel like it’s referenced that it’s so impactful without really having them be together very much, more just thinking about each other a lot. At best they like the idea of each other. Also is it me or do Lily and Ginny feel eerily similar? Dudebro has got some bad mommy issues.

Also I don’t think anyone of us wants to talk about the movie version of Ginny.

Aberforth Dumbledore

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He is barely mentioned in the book. I mean I have reread these books plenty of times but I can’t even tell you which book has one featuring sentence about him. His presence and reluctant help in the 7th book also feels highly convenient. He just happens to live in Hogsmead and has his own access to the castle? I don’t know about that, but I do like that we have a credible Anti-Dumbledore person. The 7th book is all about casting some light on Albus and I feel like Aberforth at least has a reason to dislike him and he does add some truth and insight only a sibling can do. Also though I feel like no one wants to talk about how it’s possible this man might have fucked a goat?

Draco and Hermione

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SAY WHAT YOU WILL IT COULD’VE BEEN GREAT. Honestly Draco is such a wasted character, he is literally a little piss ant bully turned almost murderer turned reluctant death eater. I feel like that could’ve been so much more compelling if there was some expansion on his struggle. I feel like I don’t often give the movies more credit than the books but in the 6th movie (easily my least favorite) we do get to see some non verbal scenes with him where you can sense more of his resistance. He’s such a dick for so long and you wanted him to come around and help in the battle but he doesn’t really ever apologize or help out more just doesn’t make an effort to stop them. Narcissa Malfoy is more helpful in the battle of Hogwarts than Draco if we are being real.

Enter my Hermione ship. I just think it could’ve broken down some barriers. You could start subtlety making them like each other or talking maybe via tutoring or something (I mean we’ve all seen One Tree Hill, right? #nathanandhaley) because here is the other part of this: They are teenagers who are hormonal and they spend way too much time researching versus trying to get some. Maybe it’s a british thing. However it could’ve added a little teen element. Taught Draco to overcome his prejudices and maybe teach Hermione to get off her high horse a little. I still love Hermione, I hated typing that but I needed to hone in my point. Also its way more conflict and intrigue. I mean if Emma Watson can love a Beast, she can suck face with some blonde fool. It also could’ve created some resolution with Harry and Draco which never really seems to come to pass. We only get a curt nod in a train station. (Once again excluding The Cursed Child).


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Um cheesey as hell. I don’t like it. I just feel like a peak into the future wasn’t a bad idea but it got so fairy tale/after school special. I just feel like keeping it a little vague or having some interpretation would’ve been better than tying it up with a bow. The movie just layers on the velveeta. All three of our stars have established careers, children and playful marriages. It’s sweet but I feel like it doesn’t follow the tone of the rest of the books. I just don’t like it.

Not accepting me

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I mean I literally was 11 when those books came to the US and I feel like my entire 5th grade class learned about real disappointment when no owls came to save us from doing our lame ass ecosystem projects.

The Whole 30 Challenge Week 4: The Wrap Up

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Every thing is weird. Man oh man.

Image result for and jesus wept dean pelton

For there were no more worlds to conquer.


Well, I would say I’ve learned a lot about the Whole 30 and here are my keys to success.


Rob’s Keys To Success


Have a partner.

modern family

I mean Mary and I transitioned from sad hung over kittens, to cooking partners, to competitors to sharing war stories in the matter of a month. The accountability factor is nice too because it makes harder to quit. It’s just important to have someone to vent to, someone who saves leftovers for you, and someone who also will understand your texts about which cereal you miss the most.


Don’t start day 1 hung over.

hey arnold

When you think about giving up drinking for a month, you think you need to have a Mardi Gras  experience but believe you me it’s a trap. The worst thing is ever to be hung over during day 1 and not be able to have pop or a cheeseburger. Spend the last day before the whole 30 hung over eating garbage before you start.


Be adventurous with your meals.

funny homer simpson the simpsons simpsons homer

Boredom was a real thing for me. You can only make so many different kind of eggs.Mary was much better in this category than me, but there are so many recipes out there for Whole 30 and one should take advantage.


Do your research.

teen wolf study medicine studying prepa

The Whole 30 is a commitment and before you do it you should know what you are getting into, there are plenty of books and I hate to say it a plethora of rules.


Don’t just jump in.

time college dinner

Take your time. Figure out when the whole 30 is going to work for you. I specifically chose February because it didn’t have any high drinking events in this month so be conscious about the time. You don’t want to set your self up to fail.


Accountability plays a role.

filmeditor falling mean girls mean girls movie trust fall

It often felt like a risky move sharing all of this with you all but it in the end I think it was the right thing to do. There is something about the people in your world watching  you that makes you feel like you don’t want to fail because it’s so public. I knew I couldn’t get away sneaking treats at work because people knew what I was doing, and same with my friends and that really kept me in check. Real talk this was a hard month because for some reason every patient at the hospital decided to just have a heart of gold and make all these cookies for the staff. It.was.killer.



The future of Whole 30 and me.

In the end of all this I would go as far as to say that I was a fan. It wasn’t easy but I think the benefits were worth it. I don’t think the Whole 30 in itself isn’t manageable long-term which is why it’s only designed to be for 30 days. I think you have to make it work for yourself. I feel like I will maintain an 80/20 ratio of this diet. I plan to just have a pre chosen meal once a week that’s off the diet. I am not a super heavy drinker so I will probably allow myself the amount of alcohol I had previously. And yes I will drink Diet Coke on the weekends, the world can make its piece with that truth.


And to my loyal readers…


I just want to say that I’ve been so grateful for the support over this past month. Everyone has been keeping up, telling me encouraging things and I feel like I really had a invested community behind me. I know it’s silly because at the end of the day, it’s just a diet but it’s nice to know people care. To everyone who is wanting to give it a try, please reach out to me. I’m by no means an expert but I will definitely split an avocado with you and listen to your woes (but know it will get better too).

community teamwork group hug hanging out hang out



For bonus: My top 5 cooldown songs.

  1. Fresh Feeling-Eels
  2. Runaway-Grace Mitchell
  3. Doin’ it Right-Daft Punk
  4. One Day They’ll Know-Pretty Lights
  5. Seaside-The Kooks



The Whole 30 Challenge Week 3: The Brainwash

So here we are in week 3 kids. Who would’ve thought? I do have to say everyone’s support has been really appreciated. I called this segment “The Brainwash” because I think it’s what’s happened to me. I feel like I’m at the phase now where I kind of like the Whole 30. I’m starting to see and feel the benefits and I’m not audibly sighing when people ask me how it’s going.

The Simpsons episode 13 season 9 principal skinner group


Here is what I’ve learned this week…


I’ve been getting in shape a lot faster than it’s happened in the past.

getting on hbo

Normally I’ll just start working out in random waves but don’t always diet at the same time and this time I’m doing them in tandem and my workouts have gotten much stronger much quicker than normal. I’m doing my same routine but I would say its progress has been faster than in the past.


Is drinking pop the new smoking?


“It causes cancer” “it messes with your weight” “it has all these unnatural substances in it” “might as well be ingesting rat poison”

All things that were once said about smoking but now I feel are being said about pop (or soda for my non-Michigan friends). If you are a heavy pop drinker now you keep it on the DL or you are openly judged. Unless you meet another peer who shares your love and you can talk about the sweet carbonation you aren’t safe. I tell people how I still miss Diet Coke and people seem disappointed the cult’s beliefs haven’t converted me that far yet.

I will add my PSA of please don’t smoke. After working on a stroke unit for a year I want to say if you can decrease your risk of a stroke you can decrease your risk of a punk like me wiping your ass.


This diet is kind of making me a basic bitch. 

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I went on a walk last week and went to Martha’s Vineyard and I hadn’t been there in a minute but I did say the following two phrases. “Oooohh is that grapefruit LaCroix?” and “Omg they have unsalted almonds here??” And before you think there is hope for me you should know I said the letters OMG in that sentence and not the actual words.


My new coffee addiction has got feeling like Nancy Botwin

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Adding to my basicness for sure. I drink a lot of iced coffees now because it’s the only caffeine I can have besides tea. I  feel like I walk around with my straw in mouth and quick wit just like Nancy except her idea of danger is The Cartel and mine is daydreaming about hacking into my mom’s Hulu account and upgrading this family to no commercials.


Not to sound paranoid but I am finding a hint of surprise in some voices when I tell people I haven’t quit.

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Obviously I don’t mean to discredit people who have been very supportive. I mean I’m sure it’s just low self-esteem or something but yes I’ve heard some infliction of surprise. To all the haters out there, Mary and I have made it to day 23.


People have a lot of questions

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It’s actually very nice and I like that people are curious. I think a couple of people are considering doing this for themselves so I invite questions for sure.


Some bonus items..


My top 5 running songs (currently)

  1. Let ’em Say by Luzzo
  2. Me, Myself & I by G-Eazy
  3. Could Have Been Me by The Struts
  4. Confident by Demi Lovato (what? I’m a well to do gay man I’m going to listen to Demi)
  5. Online Songs by Blink 182


My top weight loss inspirations

  1. Fight Club. The intensity of Tyler Durden will always inspire me to live my life in ALL CAPS.
  2. Chris Pratt. I mean there is a scene in early Parks and Rec where you see  a tape of Andy auditioning for Survivor and he is shirtless and chubby and now cut to Guardians of the Galaxy. I know we all now but still.
  3. My wardrobe. I have a large amount of clothes that I can wear again if I just lose a small amount of weight and I’m too cheap to just buy new clothes.
  4. Wanting to keep my legs. Working with a lot of amputees in the hospital and many of them are diabetics and I feel like when I mention I’m diabetic to them they give me a this-could-be-you look.
  5. The fact I graduated high school 10 years ago. I doubt I would go to my reunion but it can make you feel reflective on such an anniversary.


The Whole 30 Challenge Week 2: The Boredom

So as many of you know I’ve been dong the whole 30 challenge. We are now at the halfway point. Who thought we would make it here? Not me every day but we are here nonetheless. The first part of my journey was all about cravings, and being depressed. Now a lot of that awfulness has passed but I’m also pretty bored of variation of eggs and baked chicken.

Here is what I have learned this week.

I will not ever suffer from scurvy because I eat like a 4 lb bag of oranges in 2 days.

The Simpsons food episode 10 upset season 16


Mary (my young sister) is a better chef than me. I spent my whole life thinking she was the ultimate sous chef but it turns out she knows how much cayenne pepper to put on things and remembers to turn off the oven.

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I feel like I’m colder a lot more of the time now. That might be just winter but these are my observations.

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Fun Bonus Segment!

Gym Bummers!

As the whole 30 keeps on moving, so does the gym time. I’m by no means new to the gym but I feel like as I’m journaling this whole thing I’m making more notes on my surroundings and here are the people who are the most annoying at the gym.

  1. Senior Citizen jibber jabber. I know I know it’s insensitive and it’s not that I don’t want elderly people at the gym. However sometimes they will stand in high-profile places like where you need to swipe your card  or in front of the place where you fill your water bottle and they are just talking to one of their peers about something you will never be able to decipher because you zoned out immediately.

funny movies kids bored twins


2. Locker room lingerers are a thing. There are some people who just love being naked and will use all of their powers to delay getting dressed. They will pace around and ask a loose acquaintance how their kid is doing in school, make small talk with the staff stocking towels all to just remain nude. Like just get dressed you know? Also they never seem to want to move their bag off the bench for you in fear if they touch the bag their clothes will jump on them without asking.

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3. Kids! I apologize to a lot of you because I know many of you are parents that will read this blog (bless you for that by the way) and just remember it’s not your kids personally that are making me crazy. It’s not even kids in general but some people feel the need to let their children run on the track without them  and in the wrong direction. Also some dads feel the need to bring their young kids in the locker room and I just don’t want to strip in front of your child when at the YMCA you literally have your own family locker room. Just do us all a favor and go one more door down.

mrs krabappel


4. Protein dudes. We all know them, and they are the worst. Making their weird potions and constantly telling you but not telling you directly about how much they’re taking, their lifting schedule, and how they barely even do cardio now.



5. People who take the treadmill right next to you when there are plenty open. It’s almost as bad as taking the urinal right next to me when you got other options.

Patrick Stewart hello bathroom son blunt talk


Even more bonus. Now that I’m not drinking Diet Coke I’m trying all of the Lacroix flavors I can and here are my top 3 and bottom 3 choices.

Bottom 3

  1. Coconut:I don’t feel like I want to taste sun tan lotion that has been carbonated.
  2. Lime: It’s a seltzer water with lime and no gin. No sale.
  3. Orange: Just such a bummer because it’s not Sunkist but also just way too mild.

Top 3

  1. Strawberry Pineapple: you gotta schlep to Target but it’s worth it
  2. Passionfruit: Thank you Anna-Marie Jenks for that introduction
  3. Grapefruit: a bronze medal at best

Top 3 things I miss right now

  1. Club sandwiches
  2. Quesadillas
  3. Harmony’s Grapefruit Moon (that could be inspired by the Lacroix)

Special shout out to my MFB folks. Everyone checks in a lot and wants to know how it is and asks questions which I think is cool. I appreciate the support and accountability especially when a nurse who shall remain nameless tried to bust me for putting cream in my coffee but it was just coconut milk.

My Personal Ranking of This Year’s SNL Cast.

I have loved this years cast of Saturday Night Live but I also love making judgemental ranking lists so here goes this year’s cast from worst to best.


Kyle Mooney

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Dude Kyle Mooney is the worst. He has been on the show for years and has yet to win me over. His reoccurring character on Weekend Update always flops and he would rank higher if this was his first year but he has had lots of chances.


Mikey Day

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Do we need you? Do you offer anything special to this cast? You seem like a mildly funny white guy and unfortunately for you Mikey that pretty much makes you a dime a dozen in SNL history. We need to ask ourselves; were you better than Jon Rudnitsky?


Alex Moffat

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There isn’t even a good gif of him on the internet because that’s how little of an impression you have made. You rank slightly higher than Mikey Day due to nothing but instinct but I’m still not so sure about you. It’s also because you are slightly more handsome than Mikey. Let’s be real.


Sasheer Zamata

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I don’t dislike Sasheer but she is often is the straight character who doesn’t have many lines. Sometimes I think she just isn’t getting enough opportunity  but what I’ve seen so far hasn’t been overally impressive.


Kenan Thompson

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Like we get it, you used to be on Nickelodeon and you do a good Steve Harvey. It might time to move on Kenan.


Melissa Villasenor

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I like that we finally have a Latina cast member and she has a cool voice. I feel like she could go far but exposure is low at this point.


Pete Davidson

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Like Pete is okay. I have no real qualms but I think mostly I can’t help but feel jealous of his success at his age. I also feel like he is good in skits but his Weekend Update appearances are real hit and miss.


Bobby Moynihan 

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I actually really like Bobby. I think Drunk Uncle is a good character but also feel like in the later seasons of his career he is a little more forgettable. Like if I watched episode and he has been in zero skits I don’t know if I would notice right away. Sorry Bobby.


Colin Jost 

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I was so suspect of this guy in the beginning! I don’t know why but I did not want to give him a chance, it’s like he knows how adorkable he is or something but in the end I’ve decided he’s alright. I also feel like his chemistry with Micheal Che didn’t hurt his likeability either.


Leslie Jones

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Who doesn’t love Leslie? She is a breath of fresh air on this program. My only criticism is she can be a little one note at times but it’s not a bad note for sure.


Cecily Strong 

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The women of SNL just slay the friggen’ game now. I’m very glad Cecily isn’t on Weekend Update anymore and is featured in more skits because she is so funny. Her Sofia Vergara impression is top notch.


Aidy Bryant 

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Aidy is a kween! Such good delivery in her skits and hits her cues beautifully. Also I feel like there was a period when I was watching “Girlfriends Talk Show” like once a week.


Michael Che

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I do love Michael Che. I think he is funny and balances out Colin very well. He is handsome and charming and a good writer.


Vanessa Bayer

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I have sung my praises for Vanessa before, I think she is highly underrated on this show. She is so versatile. She can play the straight person very well but also a traditional mom or a hoochie teenager without you ever questioning it.


Beck Bennett

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Does Beck really deserve to be number 2 on this list? Probably not but it’s no secret that I have a big crush on him. Something about that voice y’all. However I do think it might be the strongest male on the cast and he for sure has been heavily featured this season.

@robrobindine (for Beck if he ever reads this)


Kate McKinnon

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I feel like this is a no brainer. If not for this character featured above than for her amazing Hilary Clinton impression or my personal favorite Olya the russian immigrant.


Let me know if you agree!