I have recently caught up on Hulu’s The Handmaid’s Tale and all I think when I watch is three things:

1. This is the hardest show to watch on television but it’s so good.
2. I don’t remember the book being so cringing. (Yeah, this is my horrible hipster way of saying “Yeah, I read the book before it was a show.”)
3. What if a Vampire Slayer had to be a Handmaid? This show would be so different and I’m ready to see quite a few people (mostly Serena Joy) get their asses kicked.

 

This got me thinking about what other characters would get the upper hand in show where the protagonists always seem to be struggling to keep their head above water.

Offred/June is quickly rising to the ranks of  television’s beloved female Kweens but this group of women below would reek havoc for Gilead.

 

 

1. Buffy Summers

Well obviously our beloved slayer is up for the job. Buffy not only has the strength and speed to escape, she has the quick wit to have a Joss Whedon-esque one-liner to the Commander as she pummels him to the floor.

 

2. Spencer Hastings

Our favorite PLL Dollhouse alum. Spencer is our gal to dig up some good dirt on the Waterfords and blackmail them effectively in order to escape. Also can’t you just see Ali playing Serena Joy in this version?

 

3. Jessica Jones

Sure Jessica is super strong and can fly so escape is no issue but you also know she is P.I. and a cranky one to boot. She has been a survivor of rape and also has been controlled by an oppressive man. Spoiler alert: she broke that guy’s neck so I don’t see the Commander or Serena Joy lasting long with her in the house.

 

4. Katniss Everdeen

She has already lead a rebellion against a corrupt governing system. Can she do it without a bow and arrow?

 

5. Pam Swynford de Beaufort

Pam has just the appropriate amount of darkness to be a threat to Gilead. She is smart, charming, and very sadistic. Once she has the upper hand (and just be patient she will get it), the driest, filthiest insult will be delivered followed by mass carnage.

 

6. Kimmy Schmidt

Kimmy lived in a underground bunker for 15 years. Sorry Offred ya damn rookie by comparison.

 

7. Cookie Lyon

Just look at those nails. She is prepared to tear your ass up. I can imagine nothing better than her tearing down Aunt Lydia when she tries to tell her to put her head down and be modest.

 

8. Bree Van De Kamp

I honestly think she would just go native in the beginning and appreciate the religion and manners but like all Desperate Housewives she would hit a breaking point. Plus we all know how her love of guns.

 

9. Piper Halliwell

I mean all of the Halliwell sisters (with the exception of Phoebe) could probably escape with little effort but Piper has the most fire power and the biggest temper so it’s great for cinematic effect.

 

10. Veronica Mars

A more sober version of Jessica Jones but Veronica is even sneakier if possible. Veronica may not have super powers but she does know how to play the game.

 

11. Olivia Pope

I don’t even watch Scandal and I know she is amazing.

 

12. Paris Geller

I mean…come on.. good luck Gilead. I don’t think even they could break Paris Geller plus she wouldn’t have hesitated to join her pal Rory/Offglen in Mayday.

 

13. Galina “Red” Reznikov

She’s not really of fertile age so she would probably be a Martha not a Handmaid but she’s a master manipulator and I don’t think she would hesitate to poison Serena Joy.

 

14. Luna Lovegood

I know what you are all thinking, what about Hermione? Yes she is obvious choice but I think Luna could stomach being a captive for a longer period of time and I don’t think Hermione could cope with not being allowed to read.

 

15. Regina Mills

Regina is super powered, slightly unstable and loves her son very much. I think the outfits alone would drive over the edge and burn the place to the ground because this Evil Queen isn’t playing.

 

16. Black Widow

Obligatory choice. She obviously would kick ass but I don’t think I would watch her show. Sorry Natasha.

 

17. Morticia Addams

I just feel like everyone in Gilead would be so disappointed that she wouldn’t mind having a finger cut off or her tongue removed.

 

18. Fred Burkle

Fred is a brilliant physicist and taco enthusiast. She also was a human slave in a demon dimension for 5 years so I think she can hold her own.

 

19. Lady Olenna

“Tell Cersi. I want her to know it was me.” That right there is proof enough she can hang.

 

20. Delores Abernathy

Delores is a dark horse. You never see her coming and next thing you know she has massacred a town.

 

21. Olivia Benson

Yeah, she is pretty much the opposite of “mansplaining”

 

22. Fiona Goode

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. She’s evil sure, but at least she has cute clothes and is nice to the mentally disabled.

 

23. Nancy Thompson

Girlfriend is a survivor. She makes booby traps, she doesn’t sleep, she also doesn’t need a hall pass anywhere she is going.

 

24. Storm/Ororo Monroe

Not a woman who needs to say much to get her point across. Storm is generally pretty serene but if provoked (which would take about .3 seconds in Handmaid’s Tale) she would tsunami their asses into place.

 

25. Joyce Byers

We all know what happens when Will is in trouble.