gay

Secret Single Behavior

Posted on by robindine

Secret Single Behavior, also known as “SSB”. This is inspired from the season 4 episode of Sex and The City “The Good Fight”. The plot involves Carrie’s boyfriend moving in and she mentions how she misses doing that stuff you do when you’re totally alone. Her example is eating saltines and jelly while reading magazines.

secret single behavior

 

I feel like this is a great concept and I’m curious to know what everyone else does when they’re totally alone.When I’m home alone for an extended period of time. I love to turn on a television show or movie I’ve seen a 100 times and walk around the house and narrate out loud all of the stuff I need to do in the upcoming week. It sounds crazy to write it out but I’ve been doing that since junior high.

Abed

 

I also like to play old RPG videos games while simultaneously listening to Friends on a different device. Watching TV bloopers on YouTube and the occasional episode of Sailor Moon.

Lisa_plays_game

 

I’ll never understand people who don’t like being alone for even a night, do you have no guilty pleasures? My favorite example is in season 2 of Gilmore Girls “There’s The Rub”. Rory has a night to herself without Lorelai and instead of trying to hangout with her boyfriend she just wants to do her laundry and eat Indian food. Like girl, I get it. Everyone gives her so much shit but it’s honestly the most therapeutic thing in the world.  Even Rory and Lorelai who are attached at the hip revel in time apart (albeit they are fictional).

Rory single

 

I mean there is a fine line between being a super couple and being a Liz Lemon. Can’t just eat night cheese and wear charcoal masks every day (although like maybe you can, I’ve been trying for 30 years). I might overindulge as I own at least 3 outfits that I wear around the house that I would never want anyone to see.

will truman naked

 

There is also a certain amount of shame eating that goes into my rituals. Shame eating is a big part of SSB. I feel like getting the hot bar food at Forest Hills Foods and drinking crisp Diet Coke is slight nirvana to me. Also any candy in ice cream form (Snickers, Reese’s, Twix etc) is just tops.

David rose

 

So for you my loyal readers, what’s your SSB?

 

Excuse Me While I Shoot Up: 20 Years As A Diabetic

Posted on by robindine

This past January marks 20 years with type 1 diabetes. I still don’t think of it as something I’ve had so long and now I’m at a point where I’ve had it longer than I haven’t. It’s like a Kylie Jenner aged disease for me now. It’s old enough to have it’s own lip kits and fake butt.

I’ve written about my diabetes on this blog before but I guess now I’m feeling more reflective on this time rather than satirical (I know you can’t tell but I spelled that right on the first try) and I wanted to share.

 

My diagnosis

diabetis sick

It was January of 1999 and I was almost 10. I was in the 4th grade and my teacher was concerned about me. I was very thirsty and urinating a lot and tired af (sounds like yours truly). I wasn’t too sick like some kids get before they get diagnosed and I think my parents could see the symptoms in me pretty quickly. My dad took me the doctor and I don’t remember much else, I don’t remember crying or missing much school. Since I wasn’t that sick at diagnosis and my parents were educated I didn’t have to do a hospital stay. It just happened and that was that. There is still an infamous video in the Dine house called “It’s Time To Learn About Diabetes”. It was very cheesy and 80s but honestly a decent explanation.

I do remember getting a card in the mail from my friend Danny’s mom saying she was sorry this happened and she was here for me and was comfortable giving shots if I was at their house. This was very touching to me and I still think of it sometimes as a different parent had expressed not wanting me over until I was more stable leaving me to feel very punished.

I had to have a whole game plan with my 4th grade teacher Ms. Zimkowski who wasn’t a very approachable older woman. I didn’t love that she was my first line of defense when I needed help but she did her duty despite being a little cold. Also because I shared a room with my brother at the time and he was already diabetic I couldn’t understand how he didn’t just give me diabetes like the common cold and I was paranoid my parents wouldn’t tell me he was the cause to keep us from fighting.

 

My mom’s role

hug scene

I think about this a lot now that I work in healthcare and have worked overnights I’ve been in those shoes. This poor lady had to get up in the night and check my blood sugar while I probably whined about being poked. She also coordinated all of my care, my doctors appointments, my medical suppliers, any trips I took. Now that I do that all myself I’m very grateful for all she did. If I ever wanted to do something like go to a regular camp (not a diabetic camp, oh yeah it’s a thing) or play a sport she never acted like I couldn’t. I think that was a major contribution to me not feeling very sorry for myself about my diabetes.

 

Other diabetics 

solidarity

Whenever I see another person with an insulin pump or meet someone else with diabetes it is a sort of a non verbal comradery. I remember a girl I went to high school with got diagnosed near the end of school (I can’t say who now because of my current life I have to care about HIPPA and shit) and although we had known each other pretty well I wouldn’t say we were very close. Upon her diagnosis she got pretty ill and I did feel compelled to visit her in the hospital. Diabetics supporting other diabetics. I remember bringing diet coke (it might have been Pepsi One because that was my drink of choice for many years, fun fact, right?) and some magazines and pretty much being like “it’s not that fun but enjoy this drink and you’ll have to pretend that syringes don’t hurt but they kinda hurt.” and I felt much closer to her after sharing this part of our lives.

 

Getting my pump 

pump

Many of you know me as somebody who has an insulin pump because it’s such a physical representation of diabetes but the first few years I didn’t have one. They weren’t as mainstream for treatment. I would do syringes for all of my care and when I got a pump in 2001 it was a big fucking deal. I wouldn’t have to do shots anymore and I had a lot more freedom in my food choices. I had to wear one filled with just saline for just a month to “test drive” it and prove I was responsible. I had to go to classes with my mom with this horrible diabetes educator. Even my high road mother was annoyed with her. It was a big undertaking and a total game changer. I still remember one video which gave me advice on how to handle the pump for “intimate moments”

 

Bike and Builders

bike and build

Travel is hard enough with diabetes. When I did Bike&Build back in 2015 (and 2016 to some extent too) those guys saw my diabetes at it’s peak. I’ve never felt more diabetic in my adult life.  All of the physical exertion pushed my body to its limit and I was low and high (emotionally, from an altitude stand point, and blood sugar wise). I was never in a situation where I had to acknowledge and talk about my diabetes so much and I feel more comfortable with that push.

 

Halloween

candy gif

You would think it would be a diabetic bummer, and you know what it? It kind of is. My mom tried real hard to not limit me with my candy but I think she didn’t want the consequences of a super high blood sugar. I think she usually would dole out mine and my sister’s in intervals to be fair. Sorry Mary but delayed gratification is probably good for all of us.

 

Beau

boys meet world

I think about my brother a lot. Beau was already diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes when I was born and probably had his diagnosis for like 4 years at this point. By the time I was diagnosed the Dines had already been dealing with diabetes in the house for the past 13 years.  Despite our age difference diabetes has always been a way to anchor us together as we are the only ones in the family who have it. We’ve shared supplies and war stories.

The other thing when it comes to Beau is I think I wouldn’t have been so mellow at diagnosis if it hadn’t been for him. They told me I had a diabetes and I was just like “oh that thing the other guy in the bunk bed has?” I didn’t feel like I was worried my life would change because I observed Beau my whole life and he was just a regular kid who played little league and sometimes set an occasional fire. I was like oh I’ll be fine.

 

Working in a hospital 

nurse phoebe

I’ve been working in a hospital the last 3 years and I see a lot of complications from diabetics. Amputations, dialysis, stroke, neuropathy and I won’t lie; it stresses me out. It’s one thing to endlessly hear about complications it’s another to treat them. It makes me want to better myself.

 

Friends with school nurses

nurses office

Oh yeah, old lady school nurses were my jam. I would walk into their office everyday at lunch just to check my blood sugar and be doted on. Nurse P in middle school even posted a copy of poem I wrote right in her office so every sick kid knew what I laureate I was. That thing was there the entire time I was in junior high.

Also I feel like now that a significant time has passed since junior (just shy of a Kylie Jenner) I can admit that my older sister Sam wrote that poem and I’ve been stealing credit for this entire millennium. Confession is good for the soul.

 

Diabetic Camp 

Diabetic camp

It’s out there and it’s potentially great. My brother was a big fan and I  had been going to a regular summer camp before my diagnosis but my mom wanted me to try this one. Camp Midacha, was a YMCA camp that sponsored a diabetic week over on the east side of the state. For the most part it was normal except you had a colored bracelet that indicated your meal plan, a lot of nurses were around and all of the counselors had fanny packs filled with low blood sugar solutions. There was a “Diabetic Disco” at the end of the week and I went with my camp girlfriend Beth (that’s a whole other blog post)

I only went the one year, I liked having a counselor who knew how to deal with me and be approachable but my usual camp did have great nurses who watched me closely (and I was buddies with them too, I remember your sassy ass Nurse Becky). It wasn’t in my nature to draw so much attention to my disease and it’s all anybody wanted to talk about at Camp Midacha.

I do remember there was this kid Brandon who had an insulin pump and this was before they were so universal and when we were all talking about girls he made a crude joke using pump as a double entendre which for an 11 year old I was still impressed.

 

TV and Diabetes 

Nick Jonas

I’m not on some soap box saying we need more representation because while type 2 diabetes is growing (they are different and if you want to stay friends with me google the differences) type 1 isn’t that big of a population. I still always wanted like a strong protagonist or decent secondary character who was diabetic. Not a defining trait of the media like Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias where the main thing about the character is that she is diabetic. We do have Nick Jonas and he has been pretty open to being a good diabetic role model which I’m a fan. I see his face a lot on pamphlets in my doctors office.The other main person in my mind is Stacey from the Babysitters Club who lets be real was a pretty great example. A lot of her story lines did involve her diabetes but I wouldn’t say it was a defining trait and she a lot of other stuff going on. I’m sure there are all small characters that I don’t know about but it would be cool to be like “Jughead and Betty are so cute and he needs to count his carbs to stay alive”

 

The Skinny Rules

Posted on by robindine

So I’m going to start off and say I’m not crazy about the title and I didn’t invent it. It comes from the book The Skinny Rules by Bob Harper from The Biggest Loser. I have kind of condensed his book and philosophies into a diet that I’m going to try for 2019.

I feel like a lot of people liked when I tried the Whole 30 a couple of years ago so I thought this might be fun to share this experience and also it helps keep me accountable.

 

Here are the rules:

 

1. Drink a glass of water before every meal.

water gif

This one is pretty doable and like most of the rules it’s just something you should do anyways. I’ve been pretty faithful on this one.

 

2. No drinks with calories in them.

orange mocha

So I feel like in his chapter here, he is mostly attacking fancy coffee drinks and regular soda. As a type 1 diabetic I’m pretty hip to the sitch. Also he doesn’t say too much about alcohol here so I feel like it’s a yes? At least to gin.

 

3. Protein at every meal.

gaston

Eggs at breakfast, various meats throughout the day.

 

4. No refined flours or grains.

bread

No one wants you to eat bread ever even though it’s made from angel skin, buttery dreams and a pinch of nirvana.

 

5. Eat 30-50 grams of fiber a day.

fiber

I don’t even really know how much that is but I’ve been taking a supplement.

 

6. Eat an apple or berry every day.

snow white

Keeps the doctor away dawg.

 

7. No carbs after lunch.

carbs

People hate when I tell them this rules but it’s not too bad. Mostly for dinner I have chicken breast and vegetables or like an egg scramble with no toast.

 

8. Read food labels.

swedish

So many tricksters out there.

 

9. Portion size.

portion size

One of my biggest downfalls.

 

10. No added sweeteners (even artificial).

coffee gif

Here is ol’ Bob coming after my Diet Coke. I’m not perfect, I’m down to one a day and I’ll slowly wean. And I’m not going to stop putting some coconut milk in my iced coffee.

 

11. No white potatoes.

potato gif

Good thing sweet potatoes are so good.

 

12. One meatless day a week.

lisa simpson

I’m excited to start this one. Not having a ton of ideas that aren’t just cheese yet.

 

13. No fast food.

super size me

I mean this one feels obvious but I’m still sad.

 

14. Eat breakfast every day.

waffle gif

This one is legit, and something people tell to do all the time. Luckily eggs and fruit is a chill way to start the day.

 

15. Eat 10 meals a week at home.

friday night dinner

Meal prep life baby, live it and learn it.

 

16. No high salt meals.

salt

So no like frozen meals or overly processed stuff. Obvi no adding salt to things.

 

17. Vegetables with every meal.

carrot

This one is chill except for at breakfast, I sometimes add spinach to my eggs.

 

18. Go to bed hungry.

tired and hungry

People hate the title of this chapter in his book. He is just saying no late night snacking.

 

19. Sleep right. 

sleep

Always try to budget for at least 7.5 according to Bob Harper.

 

20. One splurge meal week. 

kimmy candy

Just a meal, not a whole day and still no fast food for the splurge.

 

 

So here they are! Gonna try my best to do this and not be too annoying on social media about it. I don’t know how long it will last or what it will be like, but all I can do is try it out.

Resolutions: 2019 Edition

Posted on by robindine

 

Ah NYE, everyone’s personal time of introspection, slight annoyance and shimmery gold and silver decorations. Doing my good deeds and writing about New Years Resolutions for the year. Obviously assume there is like lose weight, save money, and travel more because those will never stop being goals for me. However these are the ones after some reflection I feel I need to work on this year.

 

1. Do The Stuff I Say I Like To Do

This one feels dumb and vague but hang with me. When you meet someone new or are making small talk one of the things you do is talk about how you pass your free time. For me I say things like “Biking, reading, video games, comics, going to the movies.”  However these are just fantasies because I don’t spend time doing any of things anymore. If I were to answer that question honestly it would be more like “Watching One Tree Hill and feeling bad for myself while I eat cheese.” I don’t love that. I need to spend time doing things I like, reading a little each day, playing a game, ice skating when it’s cold, swimming when it’s warm. Even if it’s just for like 30 minutes a day. (I deserve some kudos for doing this blog right now, but full disclosure OTH is on in the background).

 

2. Bike More

Following this one. I feel like I want to do more with biking. I’ve taken a few trips over the last few years and I still do some small ones in the year (Zoo-De-Mack, Gran Fondo) but I would like to do more. Whether it’s more social rides or a trip I plan myself. I don’t think it’s realistic for me to do as extreme of ones I did in the past but I would like to get out there more.

 

3. Be More Involved With My Community

Whether this means with cycling, or LGBT or just Grand Rapids in general. I want to meet more people who have similar interests as me and also do things that are new to me too. See if I develop any new interests.

 

4. Be A Better Diabetic

I mean this is also one of those ones I should have every year but this January marks 20 years of living with type 1 diabetes. Now working in a hospital with people who have a lot of complications from diabetes I just want to take better care of myself. Bring my A1C down and feel more confident in my care.

 

5. Dress More David Rose from Schitt’s Creek

I mean those patterns are everything.

 

 

For 2019…

 

No more of this..

 

And a little more of this…

 

 

On Being Chubby Chased

Posted on by robindine

Chubby chasing has long been a topic that has always piqued my curiosity. Trying to understand it and it has felt tricky and talking to my peers about what feels like a touchy subject.  This admittedly is a very hard thing for me to write about. However I have had complex feelings for many years and feel as though writing about it might give me some clarity.

Let’s start with some the definition. A “chubby chaser” is a person (and my experience that person is usually not overweight) who is sexually attracted to someone who is overweight or obese. While this common in heterosexual encounters I can only write to my own experience with other men.

Moving on to my origins. I was not a fat child, I was pretty slim and even kind of short and runt like. Around puberty I didn’t really have a signficant growth spurt and because I didn’t stretch out that much I started to accumulate a little fat. Not a lot but I wasn’t used to it and I didn’t adjust my lifestyle to accommodate the change. Through the course of middle school and high school I was very self-conscious about my weight (even though looking back it wasn’t a problem but teenage hormones you know?). I have numerous journal entries about my body issues and I remember having long talks with my female friends about dieting and exercise.

By the time college started I was full on obsessed with losing weight and I managed to slim down a decent amount due to poverty and the fact that WMU is a constant incline for walking. However when I would dip down weight wise, I would always bring myself back up. By the time I was in my mid twenties I had kind of plateaued in a higher BMI range and currently live there now.

Obviously feeling self-conscious can be such a barrier to dating and it’s a universal experience. I remember the first time I encountered chubby chasing (that I knew of), I was 22 and was on Okcupid (I might not be as young as I think I am) and I was talking to this cute guy for a couple of weeks and we started exchanging more pictures and his response to mine was “Oh man…I just love bigger guys”. I was struck. I hadn’t ever heard anything like that before and if straight love stories on television taught me anything it was that you never comment on a lady’s weight.

This exact formula happened a few more times on this dating site. It was always the same, talk to a handsome (thinner) guy for a week or two and then out of nowhere he would say the phrase “into bigger guys”. Never the word “fat” just bigger. Regardless of the term, I was always greatly offended and hurt and would stop talking. I should go on to say the language is never “I love your body” or “I’m just so attracted to you” which is so much better but it’s always bigger.

As I got older you would think I would be less naive but I was a moth to the flame. The sites just grew into tindr, grindr and real life occurrences. Some of these guys I even dated for a while and the notorious line would slip from their lips. It’s always been an instant turn off for me and I felt like I never look at the guy the same way again.

Now as I get older it feels more complicated.  I think the thing is I meet these guys and I like them a lot and in the course of trying to impress them and conceal my flaws like my weight and hoping I can win them over with my personality. Instead the thing I think I’m hiding so well calls to them like a lighthouse beacon from under my shirt (and to think I bought all those slimming black clothes for nothing). It just makes me feel so exposed and vulnerable to know they’re fixating on something that honestly bears a lot of shame for me.

I think with the men I’ve encountered it’s not just a physical preference (like Gentleman Prefers Blondes or something) but almost like an objectification bordering fetish. Not that there is anything wrong with a healthy fetish but when you’re at the receiving end of it, it can feel a little overwhelming. Once some of these men would talk to me for a while and even date for a time eventually they felt comfortable enough to reveal themselves as chasers, and the iconic line “I just really love bigger guys” would come into play.

As I got older I wasn’t as quick to be dismissive because a part of me wondered if I was being hasty. Maybe it’s just being into bear/cub type guys (a gay man who is hairy and chubby for those not in the know) and honestly liking “bear” types is so much less offensive in my mind and there are guys who I think who genuinely like a bear type. It’s not the same as the “chasers”.

After I didn’t leave a guy after learning they are a chaser. They felt that I was into their “chasing”  and the men grew a lot more comfortable letting their freak flag fly so to speak. I would start to get a cascade of “compliments” which would often get perverse which I’ll spare you the details because I’m a gentlemen. I’ve been discouraged from working out, swayed to gain more weight, and even a friend of a “chaser” guy I was seeing brought me food saying his friend the chaser wants me bigger. It gets to a point where you say a line to yourself that I never thought I would say “Do you even like me? Or do you just like me for my body?”

This raises a new thing for me with the men who have encouraged me to gain weight. Also known as “feeders” which is a whole other thing and I haven’t met many but basically they don’t just like bigger guys but really obese men. I have always been curious about this specific archetype but while you may like the size, are the health complications as sexy? Full transparency, I’m a type 1 diabetic and I already have poor cholesterol and blood pressure. Are you going to love me when they amputate one of my feet or I keep you up all night with my sleep apnea?

One of my biggest qualms with being chased is that it’s like a reality check to my current weight situation. When you already feel shitty about your weight and everyone is assuring you you’re not fat and some ding-dong dude comes along and thinks you’re a candidate to make over into My 600lb Life. That’s a gut punch because strangers are less bias than your friends. It’s a struggle because I consider myself to be a pretty active adult. I rode my bike across America and down the East Coast. I have a run a couple of 5ks, I go to the gym a normal amount. I’m not on the cover of Men’s Health or anything but I think I’m pretty average. I take vitamins, take preworkout, attempt to diet and genuinely care about my health so it hurts to feel like any work I do still puts me in the bigger category.

If you’ve read this far, first of all thank you and second of all I’m sure you think “why even talk to these guys? Well I’m a human man and I can’t pretend there isn’t a temptation. Most of these men are very attractive and you’re hoping it’s a Laney Boggs situation from She’s All That and you’re cuter than you think, you just have dorky glasses. Even the most jaded part of me wants to hope it’s not the chasing thing. These attractive men desire you and even if it feels tainted it still feels good to be wanted especially when you’re self-esteem is low. So the older I got and more lonely I felt, I started to wait it out these relationships as opposed to bailing at first sight of “chasing”. I would try to see if I adjusted but in my bones it just never felt like a good thing.

I think one of the questions in the back of my brain was always “Would you like me if I lost the weight?” I feel like my goal since the age of about 15 has been to be more comfortable in my body and weight loss is always on my mind. During different times in my life I have taken diet and fitness more seriously and  have had some success. If I finally got to that magic number would my hypothetical chasing boyfriend still want me? I feel like a lot of my discomfort with being chased comes from not loving myself at this weight so it feels uncomfortable for someone else to love me for it.

I want to back pedal and say that I don’t think every man who has a bigger boyfriend is a chaser. I think there are some genuine couples who just love each other for who they are despite appearance. I also feel like I need to advocate for chasers because I have met men who love being chased, it makes them feel empowered and sexy and they should! I have met great men (who I haven’t dated) who love bigger guys and they have found happiness. I’m not saying this whole thing is inherently sinister, it can be a beautiful thing but I can only speak to my only experience and feelings. Everyone is different and I just have never felt it’s the path for me. Do I think it’s possible some man might approach me because of my weight but fall in love with me the person and the rest won’t matter? I sure as hell hope so.

This is just something I’m trying to get more comfortable talking about, and understand how I feel. I’m hoping writing this will create some clarity and dialogue. I also hope I’m not the only one who is sorting it out.