For those of you who didn’t know, I relocated to Denver for a new job 1 year ago. To mark the occasion I’ve made some observations about this mountain land that I wanted to share.

1. The Sunshine

The sun, my god. When you think of sunny states, I think of Florida, California, Hawaii. Coming from the winter grey skies of Michigan, this was a pleasant surprise. I feel like no one ever talks about how sunny it is in Colorado but apparently it’s like the best kept secret at like 300 days of sunshine a year.

2. The Dryness

I guess with the sunshine, you pay the price. I’m like a full blown scaly lizard out here. I’ve never had to moisturize so much in my life. I wake up and feel like I drank sandpaper all night.

3. The Kingdom of The Dogs

There are literally more dogs in this place than children. I mean I’m from the Midwest, so I know about dogs but this place is not messing around. The other thing about the dogs here is they are so well behaved. Like they barely bark, they walk around unleashed, they don’t chase the squirrels. I’m not sure if it’s all the weed around here, or the altitude but they are just little Colorado peaches.

4. Pop (I’m not about to say Soda) Cans

I’ll never get used to the monsters here throwing away their pop cans.

5. The Patagonia Mafia

The amount of sentences I’ve heard like “I’m so lazy, I only did like 4 miles yesterday.” or “I can’t believe I ate that whole cupcake!”. No judgment, but straight up this state is filled with athletes. It’s like being on mount Olympus and I’m unfortunately the God of Complex Carbohydrates and Aspartame.

6. Manifest Destiny

This truly is a transplant city. No one ever assumes you are from here, and if you happen to be talking to a local, they don’t love that you’ve made the journey.

7. Crappy Ragoon

I don’t know what it is, the Chinese food isn’t good. I’ve gone basic carry out, I’ve done fancy, it just doesn’t slap at altitude.

8. My Heart Still Belongs to Meijer

King Sooper’s? Safeway? I don’t think so guys.

9. Water Water Nowhere and Absolutely Not a Drop to Drink

The mountains are beautiful and majestic and still take my breath away to look at but God do I miss lakes. Here is a PSA for people who have never left Colorado: A reservoir is not the same as a lake but I appreciate you trying your best.

10. Blue State Bounty

It’s still taken some time to get used to being a liberal area but it’s really nice. Just seeing a lot of queer people openly holding hands, and businesses all advertising being LGBT friendly. It’s corny but it’s nice to feel safer in that regard.

11. Dime a Dozen Guys

A lot of handsome climber,lumberjacks,dog/plant daddies that I legitimately cannot tell apart from each other.

12. We All Scream

I don’t know what the situation is out here, but people go bananas for ice cream. It will be 42 degrees outside and there is a line out the door at Bonnie Brae’s. I’ve tried the ice cream, it’s totally good but not like different than the rest of the world.

13. Raison D’etre

It’s not a bad thing but people out here really want to know “what your deal is”. For some reason back in the Midwest nobody seemed to be interested in your hobbies because you just assume it’s like surviving the long winter, and lake life in the summer. Out in Denver, so many people have asked me and I’ve never been so aware of my lack of hobbies.

14. Colorado Thinks They Invented Beer

This is just personal snobbery. The locals are very excited to tell you about the craft brewery scene out here and tell you how Colorado is famous for their beer. Honestly it’s not bad beer at all, I’m just from Beer City, USA ya’ll.

15. Walking Etiquette

This is a double struggle because as a gay man I fit the stereotype of walking fast (despite being a short legged king) but also as a good Midwesterner who wants to have good manners. People out here have the worst walking etiquette. Trust me I have done the leg work (see what I did there?) because I spent the first several months out here just walking the park due to a lack of dates and friends. They have no concept of an implied stop, they cut you off and cut you off to walk incredibly slow in front of you.

Epilogue

Overall I’m glad I came out here, the mountains are beautiful and I do feel safer as an out gay man. I’ve met some really cool people and broke out of my routine back in Michigan. It’s very expensive and there are people and things in the Midwest I miss a lot but for now it’s still running its course. We will just have to see what’s on the other side of this mountain journey.